Ashes to Oranges

He Can Speak French... In Russian

2010-08-05T16:55:00.021-04:00

His legend procedes him, the way lightning precedes thunder. He is... the most interesting man in the world.

That's one of my favorite things these days... The most interesting man in the world. Someone needs to make a movie...

So Arcade Fire just released their third album. And I found this weird cartoon thing about it...

Here's a video of the greatest string quintet ever... ish.

"I said turn off your cell phone, asshole!"

This next video is, by all meanings of the phrase, freakin' awesome.

Alright, so by my knowledge (which albeit isn't much) that instrument is called the shamisen (and the genre is Tsugaru-jamisen). It originated in Japan in the 16th century. It's still used frequently today. Name one other instrument like that. Freakin' sweet.

Okay, I've had enough stuff for one day. See, you only have to go through the stuff I liked. I have to go through a lot of crap to find these gems... And sometimes I post some of the crap when it makes me go "WTF?!" So here's our chaser this week. You've been reading Ashes to Oranges. You're welcome.

One Never Mentions Fight Club

2010-07-29T15:16:00.019-04:00

Alright, a few updates. First, I've started a second blog, which will hopefully be of interest to a lot of people. It's called Exie Records and it's awesome. It's different from this one. But it's good.

That's one of my favorite commercials right now. Where does one acquire a miniature giraffe?... I want one. (Gift ideas... only 5 more months...)

In this next video, you will see a news anchor giving a reporter the finger... But I don't speak Russian, so his reasons are unclear.

According to YouTube user soadfannumeroone, in Soviet Russia, "news gives you the finger." Couldn't have said it better myself.

In the News

Little Red Riding Hood finally makes sense. I always wondered why the wolf was so interested in that basket of goodies. Now I know. The "goodies" were actually six pounds of pot... A package addressed to "Grandma Henderson" singled out by drug dogs at a post office in Talladega, Alabama. When three guys came to pick it up, they were arrested and police found, you guessed it, six pounds of pot in the package... Criminals are morons. What happened to the days where you just drove your drugs to wherever they needed to go? Traffickers are just lazy these days... Here's the article.

And now, one of the weirdest videos in the history of YouTube... ish.

This video is still making me laugh.

But that's all for today. I'll leave you with this: The single greatest thing I've ever seen... including the first time I had sex...

The world needs this movie. More than it needs world peace... or universal health care... Search your feelings, you know it to be true...

~Christian

Oh Noes! The Cyber Police!

2010-07-22T17:55:00.018-04:00

Welcome to A2O. You just listened to Mel Gibson being... well, being Mel Gibson. I know it's old news, but I don't care. This next video is pretty old, but it's great. It's Jim Carrey accepting an award for Liar, Liar.

Oh, Jim. You and your antics.

This next video is a commercial for Nike and Dick's Sporting Goods. I don't know anything about football, but this is still kind of funny.

Okay so I guess the newest internet chick is some girl named Jessi Slaughter... And I also guess that people have been sending her hate mail. And now she's sad.

I have a question: Why the fuck should we care? First, there will always be haters. Of everything. Second, you put your life in public, you're going to attract haters. So quit fucking crying. Brat... If you didn't hate her in that video, try this one. You have to try really hard to not hate her after this one. It was shot shortly before the first video I showed you.

Okay, I'm done. I'll leave you with this lightning video. As you watch, ponder the age old question: Is this real or fake?

Comididans... Comedidians... You Know What I'm Talkin' About

2010-07-15T22:25:00.007-04:00

Steve Carell is hilrious. Easily one of the funniest people on television. You know who else is fuckin' funny? Lewis Black.

I guess today is just gonna be a bunch of comedians. Cuz that's all I want to put up. Haha. Here's Christopher Titus.

Okay, that's it for this week. Join me next time for more fun times!

~Christian

From Torchdown Jesus to Playboy Jesus

2010-07-08T23:24:00.005-04:00

First off, yes. It has in fact been a week since my last post. That's because during the months of July and August, posts will only occur once a week, every Thursday. Why? Cuz this is my blog, and I decide the scheduling... But fear not, posts will be longer to make up for the other six days.

Face Palm of the Week (And Quite Possibly All the Other Weeks, Too)

Lindsey Lohan violated the terms of her probation because she's a stupid fucking bitch. So the court system gave her 90 days in prison, followed by 90 days in a rehab facility. Her response to this sentence?

She fucking cries. Like 3 months in prison because she's a cokehead alcoholic bitch is unfair. You can see her mouthing "Is she serious?" when the judge gives the sentence. I'm like "Yea, she's serious, you spoiled little brat. Suck it up and move on. You deserve more jail time than that, honestly." God, she just pisses me off. Why are so many fucking celebrities like this? If you don't want to go to prison... DON'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING ILLEGAL! It's that fucking simple. Just obey the law. And then she's trying to make it out like she's a good person. Your trip to Morocco may have been work, but let's be honest. Being a rock star is also techincally work, but they get a lot of pleasure out of it too. So it wasn't just for work, hun. Sorry you're a washed up junkie that the world has thrown away. Go drown in a bottle of scotch. You fucking crybaby.

Alright, now that that's out of the way, let's watch some videos!

Here's a fail video of a wedding photographer who, apparently, doesn't feel the need to watch where he's going.

... I hope they got a liquidation discount on those pictures... What? That was funny!

Here's something I'm really excited about, and honestly, it makes me want to buy a TomTom.

Yea, that video is pretty much the coolest thing ever. Seriously though, you can actually get Star Wars voices for your TomTom and now I want a TomTom. "Wrong turn you have made... to the Dark side."

In the News

Here's a new one. A guy is so pissed at his wife, he drives his SUV through their front door... Here's Johnny... But yea, that's a true story. Good thing the kids weren't standing right there. I'm pretty sure it's still vehicular manslaughter even if you're in the living room. Looks like he was pretty wasted, which begs the question: Why the hell did they let the bastard drive home?... With precious cargo onboard?... The article can be read here.

Alright, this story is... Morbidly funny. Watch the video, I'll add my comments in a second.

A lot of people are saying she wasn't doing anything wrong and how the police should leave her alone, but honestly, what she did could be considered abuse of a corpse. I mean, she doesn't seem like a whackjob. She sounded perfectly sane... She's just living with and talking to her dead twin and dead husband... God, I bet the sex is really boring...

In other news, Playboy in Portrugal have crossed the line. They put Jesus Christ on the cover with a nude model, as well as an entire photo shoot involving Christ and lesbian models. Hugh Hefner's headquarters is said to be outraged. Who wouldn't be? There's some things you just don't do. Putting Jesus in Playboy is one of them. That's fucked up. You can read the article and see the (censored) cover here. If, however, you wish to see the uncensored cover, well, that's... elsewhere...

Well, that ought to do it. But before I forget, has everyone heard Disturbed's new single? It's called "Another Way to Die," and it's on the album Asylum, which comes out August 31. I'm pretty excited. It reminds me of older Disturbed, like "Vocies" meets "Prayer," you know? Anyway, there's no actualy video to this video, it's pretty much just an animation of this castle (or perhaps, an asylum?...) with fire. But it's pretty cool for only being that. Anyway, check it out.

Okay, that's all I got. Tune in next week for more awesome shit that's also pretty cool... Stay classy, San Francisco.

~Christian

Nice Day for a White Wedding

2010-07-01T21:34:00.005-04:00

I'm sure by this point in our blog relationship, you're well aware that I like it when random stuff is played on a random instrument. Well, I found another one. Here's Super Mario played on the violin, with gaming accompaniment.

That's pretty sweet. That takes talent... and a lack of getting laid...

Is it just me, or do they make a sequel to every crappy movie and its brother? It's like a bunch of douchebags sit around and say "Hey, we made 37 dollars off this movie last year. Why don't we make a sequel? I'd bet we make at least $10... Fuckin' stupid movie execs. But the latest shitty sequel is Paranormal Activity 2. Maybe I don't understand the obssession with having the shit scared out of me, I don't know. But they're making one. And it will be stupid. There's no getting around it. Plus, wasn't Paranormal Activity supposedly real home videos, or some shit? Doesn't a swequel kind of kill that theory? I don't know, but here's the trailer. Bullshit...

Oh by the way, if you're alone in a dark house, that's probably not a great video to watch... I'm scared to open my door... Nah, I'm just fuckin' with you.

This next video is... I don't know what the fuck this next video is. I--no, you just have to watch it. I'll talk later.

Okay, so for starters, she naked. And walking backwards and shit. And what's wrong with her eyes? And also, I'm not even sure she was a real person. She almost seemed like CGI. And not even CGI of a human being, but rather CGI of some sort of intergalactic creature. And I don't think she was singing in English. I couldn't make out any of it... That was just... odd.

Yea, there's always a few videos like that, ones that I absolutely cannot understand. I feel like someone needs to share in my utter confusion...

Hey, did anyone else see where Stephen Colbert tried out for the Knicks? I found the episode in 60 seconds. He plays one-on-one with Allan Houston. He spotted Stephen 9 points. And Stephen beat him... thanks to video editing!

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

6/30/10 in :60 Seconds

http://www.colbertnation.com/

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Fox News

Well, that's it. I leave you with an epic fail montage. You're welcome.

~Christian

Nothing Like Slamming a Silver Bullet Into a Well-Greased Chamber... If You Know What I Mean

2010-06-30T22:19:00.005-04:00

I'm sure everyone has seen this Internet Explorer commercial, but if you haven't here it is.

I was just thinking about it in a new light, and that light is this: Are you telling me that all I have to do to scam people out of their money is to just not do it on the internet? That's what I learned. Not that I should upgrade my browser, but that 1) People are idiots and will do anything for quick cash, and 2) We've become so used to internet scams that we've forgotten that real life scams exist... Unbelievable.

You know what else is unbelievable? It's getting to be where we can't do anything on our own property anymore. You remember like a year ago, when I posted that news video of the guy who was in his house naked, and some people sued him? Consider this story a sequel. There's a guy in western Pennsylvania who is being fine $600. For what, you ask? For keeping hundreds of bags of garbage on his property. The trash isn't on anyone else's property, only his. He says it's like fertilizer for the 350 kinds of medicinal herbs and vegetables he grows. At this point, you're saying "It's still garbage! It still reeks!" Nope. Cuz the bags are filled with leaves. Apparently, it keeps the soil insulated. I don't know, I don't grow anything. But it seems logical. It's like compost. And for you, Mr. Zeller, I say fuck the district judge. It's your property, do whatever the fuck you want on it. Anyone who complains can answer to me. And by "answer to," I mean "suck." And by "me," I mean "my dick." The article is here, if you want to read more.

Alright, let's see what comedian I'm into today... And the winner is: Jimmy Carr! Congrats, Jimmy! You've made it onto A2O. That's kind of like an achievement, only not at all like it... whatsoever... Anyway, let's see Jimmy do some stand-up.

Yea, he's like the one-liner king. Dimitri Martin is good at one-liners, too. I don't know, I think we'll call it a tie.

Well, computer's acting up. Think that's my cue. Checking up on some jobs tomorrow (wish me luck), and then it's off to Kentucky for the weekend... Which means we may not see another new post until Monday. But we'll see how it all plays out. Good night, everyone, and as always, you're welcome.

~Christian

Fuck Laptops, Wireless Internet, and the Whole Fuckin' World!

2010-06-29T23:54:00.003-04:00

I just watched the premiere of "Louis" on FX. It was hilarious. What else could I expect from Louis C.K.?

More? I thought so.

Well, my computer is being a shithead. Doesn't want to load anything. So that will most likely be the last video. I don't want to put something up unless I know it's good, and I can't think of any good videos I've seen that I haven't put up here before... So, that's that. Let's turn to the news... Or not... Fuckin' computer... It's brand damn new, I don't see any reason it should run like a piece of shit. I can't download anything on it, which is probably the fault of the processor, which I guess gets burned out really fuckin' easily... You know what? I'll just see you tomorrow. Maybe by then it'll stop acting up.

Piece of shit.

~Christian

So Bleeding Boring

2010-06-28T11:27:00.005-04:00

Just got back from a Dragons game (courtesy of Kyle). They won 15-10. It's weird because they had been down like, four or five runs before we got there, but the second we got there, the Dragons scored 8 in one inning. Yea, we're magic like that.

I liked that Geico thing I showed yesterday, so I found another one. It's the silence that makes it golden.

Oh, Abe. Sometimes, one has to lie...

Alright, I don't know what the hell the woman in this next video was thinking... But she's an idiot.

... Yea, that happened. People are just... Well, you know. They're stupid.

Okay, this video is funny, mostly cuz I just got back from a baseball game. But it's like a sport within a sport.

Haha! See, he was falling asleep and then his head falls back... Yea, you got it. That's funny as hell.

Okay, I think we're good. Be back tomorrow!

~Christian

Jackwagon

2010-06-27T23:29:00.002-04:00

So I wanted to start my own online radio station, but apparently the only good one is Live365, and you have to pay for it... So needless to say, I'm not starting my own station... But if I did, it would rock.

Okay, here's a weird story. A woman falls out of a third story window and lands on a car. She bonuces off the hood. Then she walks into her neighbor's open garage, goes into the house and falls asleep... Other than some minor injuries, she was fine... I'd like to give you a reason for why this happen, like that she was drunk. But the article doesn't say she was drunk. Just one of life's mysteries...

Here's a show called "Tech Know," in which they review various gadgets and gizmos and whatnot. I don't care about what they're reviewing, this is just funny.

Kind of wish that the chick was the one researching, though. If you know what I mean... No? Okay.

I found another story similar to the one from earlier. A guy broke into someone's house and then fell asleep. That's probably a bad idea. Especially if you plan on getting away with breaking in... But I guess we can't all be criminal masterminds like me... Here's the article.

That's all I got. See you tomorrow!

~Christian

Raccoons: Friends or Foes?

2010-06-26T23:32:00.005-04:00

Just got back from seeing Zane and Josh playing an acoustic gig. Little did I know it was not at the Artisan's Cafe, as Facebook had informed me. No. It was in the hookah lounge next door... Thanks for the heads up, Facebook. So it was a little different. But good, nonetheless.

Let's start with something really cool. This is a game called Avalanche. It looks really simple, but this game made four guys stop playing Modern Warfare 2 and stare intently into the computer screen, cheering for the little marshmallow guy. It's fun as hell. Try and beat my record: 518 ft. I don't know what the all-time high is, but it's probably some ridiculous number that no human or android could ever reach...

In the News

Raccoons are not to be trusted. Apparently, a single raccoon managed to knock out power to a section of downtown Memphis for five hours. Why? The motives are as of yet unclear, but police suspect this is the first in a series of outages staged to make us succumb to the demands of the raccoon army... The full article is here.

This next story is about a couple who will never be in the running for "Parents of the Year." So picture this: a 52-year-old man and his 30-year-old wife or girlfriend or something, have their 1-year-old and 4-year-old son in a stroller and are pushing them down the street at 1 AM. Did I mention the parents were drunk? And also that the kids were in the stroller next to cases of booze? And also a double-edged bayonet?... I didn't? Oh, well it's all true. And that's why they are arguably the worst parents ever. Here's the full article.

Time for the first video. Many people have seen zombie movies, but few know what to do in case of a zombie attack. Zombie Awareness Day has already passed, but it is still important to know how to stay alive when zombies come to eat your brain.

Well, I can't seem to find anymore cool videos tonight... So we'll end with this video of an iPhone 4 being shot by a .50 Cal.

You know, maybe if the iPhone had some useful apps, it wouldn't suck so much. But I'm tired of every fucker with an iPhone saying "Dude, check out my iGun, and my iLightsaber..." I got an idea, Apple: How about putting in a real gun. That way we can use our phone for self-defense... or to rob liquor stores... or to shoot Apple execs in the face... Or how about an app that puts out fires?
"Oh no, my stove is on fire!"
"Don't worry, I've got my iPhone with a built in fire extinguisher!"
"My hero!"
But no, it's all stupid fucking nonsense. And any fucker can upload an app. Cuz shit like that has worked in the past... Maybe that's the real problem. Maybe that's where all the stupid apps come from... But it was Apple's idea to allow for that in the first place...

~Christian

Un Chat Grand...

2010-06-25T23:27:00.002-04:00

This is gonna sound kind of weird, but I really like Lady GaGa's new single, "Alejandro." I told you it was weird. Anyway, if you've never seen the original video, it's made a lot of people... let's say "uncomfortable." It's essentially a bunch of guys rubbing all over each other and stuff. I didn't feel real awkward watching it. I'm pretty open-minded. I did, however, feel awkward watching this video parody...

Yea, like I said: It's awkward...

Apparently, at a Kindergarten graduation ceremony (which are stupid, by the way) several parents were arrested for starting a physical fight... There were like, over 20 people invovled in this thing... While their 6-year-olds were commencing to first grade... I swear, some people, I just wanna take their little necks and... Anyway, some people just piss me off. I don't know what the fight was about, but one parent probably said something like "Your kid's stupid, they let him graduate?" At which point the other parent hit the first in the face, I don't know. But you can read the full article here.

This next video is from someone named Peter Chao. It's also like a mirror of what I think of the iPad, and all other Apple garbage.

That's it today. I'm leaving you with a French commercial. Enjoy.

In case you don't understand French, they're using orange soda as an aftershave here. Apparently, they use the same thing for deodorant and acne medicine as well... Weird... Oh yea, and there's a giant cat...

~Christian

"We're Almost Through the Month of June," Said the Sun to the Moon

2010-06-24T19:11:00.005-04:00

Good thing she had password protection, something tells me he was carrying a virus...

What's up? Welcome to A2O. I'd like to start today with a with a little dissertation I've prepared...

"Why You Shouldn't Get Drunk and then Swim in the Ocean," a dissertation by Christian Yates

If you get really hammered, chances are, you're going to pass out. If you're just swimming along, you could pass out and drown. Or get eaten by sharks. If you're like this guy, however, and you're on a pool floaty... Well, then things get interesting. He floated a mile off shore. He very easily could've been lost forever. Or been eaten by sharks... So if you're gonna get wasted, please be responsible: Don't drink and swim.

Alright, here's an interesting video, which thoroughly proves that Apple should go fuck themselves. Apparently, if you hold the iPhone 4 the wrong way, you'll drop calls.

I hate Apple crap. Makes me mad that every MP3 player is referred to as an iPod. And the iPhone is just one useless app away from having its ass kicked by yours truly.

Now onto the shocking science fiction part of our show.

Tales From the Beyond!

Scotland has its share of oddities, such as the Loch Ness Monster and men wearing dresses, but it seems a new creature, the Horse Boy, has spawned from the dark, mysterious... um, suburb of Aberdeen?... Okay, so maybe Horse Boy isn't actually half-man, half-horse, but can you give me a reason why anyone would do this?

It's absolutely fascinating. Caught for the first time on camera by Google's Street View van.

Skeptics have said that you can see him putting on the mask when you back down the road... I don't know. Just one of life's unsolved mysteries. Although, I hope we hear more from Horse Boy in the future.

Well, that ought to wrap it up for today. Tune in tomorrow for more crazy stuff. Until then, here's the craziest thing I could find this week.

~Chrisitan

PADD: People Against Dogs Driving

2010-06-23T22:43:00.002-04:00

In the News

Okay, I'm not against animal rights, but we have to draw the line somewhere. For example, I don't think that animals should have the right to operate a motor vehicle. Here's why: Animals cannot correctly control cars. They lack the neccessary opposible thumb, as well as the hand-eye coordination. A Florida dog, who began driving his owner's truck, ended up running his owner over. They cannot be trusted to drive. The article for that story is here.

MTV has a new show out called "Warren the Ape." It's a spin-off of FOX's "Greg the Bunny" which got cancelled a while back. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Christian, you hate MTV." True. But sometimes, there are diamonds in the rough. Take a look at this clip, you'll see why I love it.

Yea, pretty much the whole show is like that. It's just about a sex-addicted ape puppet who's trying to become a successful actor again. Quite funny, actually.

Here's a video with another fake ape. Only this one's not quite as smooth.

What I want to know is what part of his body hit the gate?... Look at the slow-motion at 0:17. His head misses the gate, then you can hear something hit it... But it looked like he was grabbing his head... I don't know, one of life's great mysteries, I suppose.

One more video, then it's adios. This video comes to us from FND Films, led by Aaron Fronk. It's all in Arabic, but don't worry: there are subtitles.

Well, that about does it. Only one thing left to do. Roll that beautiful bean footage.

It would've been better if it had been a Busch's baked beans commercial, but this video was way cooler.

~Christian

Cuz I'm Free... Free-Ballin'

2010-06-22T23:06:00.008-04:00

I'm excited. I just found out today that my favorite superhero, Green Lantern, is getting a movie in 2011. My only thing is that Ryan Reynolds has been casted as Hal Jordan. Now, I like Ryan Reynolds. But he'd be better to play GL if they were making a Kyle Rayner movie. I don't know. I'm pretty sure I'll love it all the same. They haven't released a trailer yet, but I found a fan-made trailer on YouTube. Normally, I don't like fan-made stuff, but this absolutely blew me away.

If you didn't know better, you'd think it was the real thing.

You know I'm almost considering moving this blog to a weekly thing, and just having like, longer posts. One-a-day is much harder than you'd think... Anyway!

The Onion. A source of smiles and laughter for years. The Onion Sports Network has recently released a report about soccer officially announcing that it's gay. It's about time soccer came out of the closet.

I'm proud of soccer. It's not easy to admit something like that.

In the News

Okay, so I've heard of restaurants selling some pretty cazy menu items. But I think this one is my all-time favorite. A restaurant in Arizona is serving lion burgers. Real African lion meat. But the crazy thing is that people are protesting. They've been getting hate mail and even a bomb threat. God, I guess people just can't handle change... Seriously though, a bomb treat? Aren't environmentalists supposed to be peaceful people?... Anyway, the full article is here.

So, for a long time, I've heard that Utah is crazy. This solidifies it. A woman led police on a chase through two suburbs, after stealing two cars (one of which was a police cruiser). Naked. The whole time, butt-naked. And no, she wasn't high or drunk. She's just psychotic. She ran through sage brush naked. I think even a stoner would think twice about that. You can read that story here.

Thank God for mass media and msnbc.com and whatnot, right? Bringing us news we actually care about; news of the strange kind. So, that about does it for today. Hope you all had fun. I know I did. Stay cool, world. Stay cool.

~Christan

Holy Rusted Metal, Batman!

2010-06-21T21:01:00.004-04:00

Amanda Bynes is retiring from acting. She's 24. Apparently, she just doesn't love it anymore, and feels it's pointless to do something you don't love. Good point. But what's really freakin' weird is the fact that she's made enough money already that she's able to retire. It's ridiculous. The article is here.

What's up? Happy Monday. I'm gonna start with a relatively old video (which for some reason I never put up here...) Don't let your mind take you where you think the song's going.

Yea, it's pretty hysterical.

Here's another pretty hardcore song: It's Maynard James Keenan (of Tool and A Perfect Circle) covering Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" at E3 2010! Could it be anymore awesome?!

Told you. That's about as much awesome you can put into 6 minutes.

By the way, I'm really excited about the iPhone 4. It's gonna be sweet, look at this commercial.

Yea, it's a spoof. You think I'd actually be excited abut an iPhone? Oh, gullible public, when will you learn?

Well, I'm thinking that'll wrap things up. More to come tomorrow. Over and out.

~Christian

Mary Had a Metal Lamb

2010-06-20T22:31:00.007-04:00

I've decided to start collecting comics (I know, I sort of missed the bandwagon...) I don't care if they're not that popular anymore. Those who know me know that I don't exactly like whatever's popular. Not to say that I hate popular things. Anyway, as I was researching various comics, to see what the market for them looks like, I came across this: A Flash comic from 1959, the second issue to feature the Mirror Master, in excellent condition. The only problem is that it's 150 fucking dollars. I don't care about it that much... Especially when I can get the same damn issue for 99 cents, in slightly less prestine condition. People are crazy.

So today was Father's Day. I hope everybody wished their father a happy Father's Day, maybe go their dad a card, took him out to eat, something. Happy Father's Day to any fathers who are reading this blog.

Okay, now let's watch some videos, starting with this one, featuring dancing boobs!

... You didn't think the boobs were going to be naked, did you? When have I ever shown nudity on this blog?... Oh yea, like a week ago... Oh well.

This next video is classic in the sense that videos of stupid people getting hurt are always classic.

It's pretty wild. I thought the shark was dead until he bit the guy's finger... Wild. And stupid of the guy. The moral: Never put your hands in a shark's mouth, even if you think it's dead.

So, I heard about this yard sale. I don't know if anyone else has heard of Highway 127 or not, but in the first weekend of August, they have the world's longest yard sale: 675 miles... From the tip of Michigan all the way down to Alabama... And I want to go so bad. I'm hoping to find like, vinyl records and comics and stuff, but you can find pretty much anything there (from what I hear). I've heard that some places in like Tennessee and such will have whole pastures full of shit. Antiques and furniture and all kinds of weird stuff you've never seen before. To say the least, I'm pretty excited.

When was the last time taxes saved your life? For most of us, probably never, but for Earl Phillips, a phone call Saturday about his taxes saved his life. He was talking to the rep when he began having a heart attack (because she probably told him how much he was gonna have to pay). The stupid thing Earl here did was that he didn't want to tell the rep that he needed help. But she noticed he was having trouble breathing, so she sent the paramedics to his address. Good girl. Anyway, you can read that article here.

And I'm out. See you guys tomorrow. The video I'm using to play us out, by the way, was created by my brother. It's a metal version of Mary Had a Little Lamb. He played and recorded it himself, and also put together the slideshow for it. The only problem is, I can't just put the video here for some reason. So here's a link. Fuckin' Facebook.

~Christian

Wakka Wakka Wakka

2010-06-19T23:41:00.003-04:00

Today was my last day in Georgia. I head back north tomorrow... at freakin' 6 AM... But you're not here to listen to me whine about my life. No, you're here to listen to me whine about other shit! So let's get started.

In the News

It's people like the guy in this story that make me hang me head in shame. Brandon Farmer, a 24-year-old moron from Ohio, got drunk and his buddies dared him to jump onto the back of a tractor-trailer... The semi then starts moving and the guy has o hold on for dear life. He calls 911, who eventually pull the truck over an ge the man off the back. Ufortunately, they weren't able to do anything about his stupidity... The full article is here.

Here's a pretty cool video. It's a techno style DJ... thing... I don't know what to call it. Someone took sound bytes from the original Toy Story and made this weird dance song.

See, pretty cool. Kinda catchy.

This next one is one of my new favorite videos of ever. It's all stop-motion, and it's awesome. The creator said it took over two weeks to do all of it.

Sweet right? Suck it, Tim Burton... Okay, maybe it's not Corpse Bride or Wallace and Grommit, but still. It's cool.

Alright, I'm done. Here's something cool to end on. See you next time.

~Christian

Toy Story 3 Was...

2010-06-18T23:17:00.002-04:00

I just got back from watching Toy Story 3, and it was arguably the best Disney/Pixar movie, and quite possibly the best movie in the trilogy. The animation was flawless, it had action, suspense, a hint of romance. Don't spread it around, but it almost made me cry. Easily the best movie of 2010 (thus far). This is a really short review, I know, but it's because I can't accurately describe how awesome it was and because I have absolutely nothing bad to say about it. It was clever, funny, action-packed, and more intense than Die Hard. And you know how much I love Die Hard... I love Die Hard... Anyway, Toy Story 3: A++, 10/10, 5 stars, two thumbs up. It's worth whatever you have to pay to see it.

Okay, so I guess the Lakers won the NBA finals... I don't know when, I don't follow sports. What I do follow is crazy news. When you start a fucking riot because your favorite NBA team lost, you should be euthanized...

That's fucking ridiculous. They set a damn car on fire... Unbelievable.

... There's nothing to say about this next video except "What the hell?"...

Biggest mustache ever...

Alright, that's all I've got energy for today. I'll be back tomorrow.

Stuffy Stuff for Bettering... Stuff

2010-06-17T23:00:00.005-04:00

So I've heard a lot of stories about stupid criminals. About criminals making messes and what-not. But it's always funny when a thief cleans up. This guy stole $300 worth of equipment from a scouting trailer, and left it cleaner than when he got there... The weird thing really is what he stole: toilet paper, paper towels, a First Aid kit... I think it was an inside job... Here's the full article.

So with the World Cup underway, it's time that us Americans start pretending we know shit about soccer. So here's a soccer video.

That was an awesome save. This video is fake, but they did an excellent job.

This one is a video that, if it hasn't already, is sure to go viral. Came out about a month ago. It's Kumo, the kung-fu bear!

God, as if bears weren't dangerous enough, now they've learned kung-fucking-fu! How could this be any worse?!

Dios mios, no!

Ever have something stolen that you thought you'd never see again? Never give up hope, because apparently, stolen things can still be recovered years later. This guy had his prized truck stolen in 1972. They recovered it on Tuesday. Unfortunately, no charges can be filed, but honestly, after 38 years, I wouldn't give a fuck, especially after getting it back. The full article can be read here.

Well, that's it or today. Here's an older video to play us out.

~Christian

Everybody Loves People Falling

2010-06-16T22:15:00.004-04:00

Wanna hear a big fish story? This guy from Colorado is in a fishing tourney in Alaska. First, does everyone know what a halibut is? If you're too lazy to click the link, it's a fish that averages abou 25 pounds. Impressive. This guy in Alaska caught a fucking 337 pound halibut. Now, if you clicked the link, you'd know that the record is 470 pounds, but still. This is cool, right? Whatever, here's the article.

Welcome. Hopefully I'll show you some pretty cool stuff tonight. If not, well, there's always tomorrow. Let's get started. But before we do, I have an important announcement: I beat Daniel Tosh! I'm gonna sound like a total dork, but I wanted to put a video on this blog before Tosh.0 had it, and I finally did it! Remember that video of the wedding DJ slapping that chick's boobs around? Watch the new Tosh.0, they're just now playing it. I beat him by a couple days, anyway.

Anyway, let's watch some videos. This first video is a lot like a classic. Because it's a montage of people falling. And who doesn't like to watch people fall?

This next video you probably won't understand a word of (unless you're fluent in Korean), but fear not: there are sutitles! It's an speaking lesson for Korean people learning English.

Here's a story that will make you lose a little bit of faith in the world. So this lady takes a cab ride to the airport. The total comes to $33. She doesn't tip. First, you should always tip cabbies and waiters/waitresses, and this lady should've tipped. And all the cabbie asked for was 10%. But here's where things head south. The cabbie locked her in his cab for half an hour, demanding that she pay the tip. The tip would only be three fucking bucks... There's no sanity in this world... You can read the full article here.

Well, that's it for now. Hope everyone enjoyed it. Here's something cute.

~Christian

And God Said Unto the People: "What the Fuck?"

2010-06-15T17:55:00.009-04:00

Face Palm of the Week/Jesus Does Not Approve

So I'm sure that over the 6 years that it's existed, we've all come to know the giant Jesus statue on I-75. Well, Jesus does not approve. Apparently, last night at like, 11, it was struck by lightning and it went up in flames. For six yars, I've said that Jesus would not want the quarter million it took to build it to be spent on something as stupid as a giant fucking statue, rather the money should've gone to some kind of charity. Apparently, God agrees with me. The fire damage is going to cost the church 3 times the amount it took to build the god-awful (see what I did there?) monstrosity, about $700,000.

Maybe the fuckers who decided to build it learned a lesson. And I think one look at this photo could make anyone see the evils of flaunting wealth. I know that every time I drive by it now, I'm just going to laugh.

I mean, why would anyone need a 62-foot Jesus? It's absolutely ridiculous...

And that's the Face Palm of the Week.

In the News

Alright, this first story is quite possibly the weirdest story I've ever read in the history of this blog. The first sentence made me so confused: "A German student created a traffic jam in Bavaria after making a rude gesture at a group of Hells Angels motorcycle gang members, hurling a puppy at them and then escaping on a stolen bulldozer." Yea, this shit happened. He caused a 3-mile long traffic jam, then drove away in his stolen bulldozer. Then he went home. That's the stupdest place you can go when the cops are looking for you... WTF? Here's the full article, but you can't make this shit up.

Okay, here's another weird one for you... in video form.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

A goat... in the trunk. That's a new one.

Alright, let's watch some videos.

There's not a lot to say about that video, actually...

This one is a video from a guy who just wanted to make a parody video. This desire resulted in the police being called...

Yea, it's a hell of a crazy world out there. Anyway, that's it for now. I'll be back tomorrow. Have a good one.

~Christian

Straight, No Chaser

2010-06-14T20:31:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, it's okay to call people fucking morons. Like when they try to drive a jet ski into the back of a van with no one in the driver's seat. How much thought process did that take? How many brain cells did that guy use?...

So I'm pretty excited about some movies that are coming out soon. The first of which is Toy Story 3, which comes out Friday. Regal Cinemas in the Mall of Georgia, however, is screening it on Thursday. Since I'm down in Georgia right now, I guess I'm lucky. I'll give a review of it after I see it. The other movie I really want to see is Knight and Day. I don't really know exactly what it's about, which is exciting. I don't really know what to expect. Here's the trailer.

I also really want to see The Last Airbender. Here are my only stipulations with it: 1) M. Night Shamylan is directing. Judging from his last movie, The Happening, he's probably not gonna do so hot. 2) If they're going to condense the entire series into a 2-hour movie, then it's definitely going to suck. Here's the trailer.

Alright, one last thing before I go.

Things I Actually Like

Zuma. It's some weird game where you're a frog and you shoot colored balls. It's... weird. But it's fun as hell. Here's a link to a site where you can play it. I don't know a whole lot about it, as far as where it comes from (because it seems like it has some sort of African or South American design) or who created it, but I know it's fucking addictive.

So that's it. I'll be back tomorrow with more cool stuff!

~Christian

Quite Hypnotic

2010-06-13T23:37:00.007-04:00

This video is from Jimmy Kimmel Live. It's the latest segment of "This Week in Unnecessary Censorship."

Next up are a couple really funny videos from Funny or Die. The first one is about Ralph Macchio, the star of the original Karate Kid.

Wax On, F*ck Off with Ralph Macchio from Ralph Macchio

That was absolutely brilliant. But the humor isn't as obvious as this next one.

White Women's Workout - watch more funny videos

No diet or exercise program works like having a black man scare the shit out of you. I only I'd capitalized on this sooner...

There's not really any weird news today, it makes me mad... So here's another Funny or Die video!

He Said It First (Uncensored) - watch more funny videos

Haha, John McCunt. Classic. Well, that will wrap it up for today. I wish I could find more stuff, but I cunt... dammit...

~Christian

Frankie Say Relax

2010-06-12T10:33:00.004-04:00

Welcome to Ashes to Oranges. This first video is a commercial, and I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be a slam on BP... But I'm not sure.

If it is a slam on BP, then well played. If not, then I don't get it.

Here's something that I've really been enoying on another installment of Things I Actually Like. So this guy designed an online video game for fun andithas since exploded and gone viral. The game is called "Super Mario Bros. Crossover" and in it, you can play through the entire Super Mario Bros. game as Mario, Mega Man, Link, and a few other familiar faces. It's really cool, I played it for like, an hour.

I read that Wendy's has been giving away CDs in their kids' meals. First of all, I love music, but if I'm a 5-year-old, I don't care about Donna Sommers and the Jackson 5. I want a freaking toy! But here's the thing: Wendy's had to pull one of the CDs they had in circulation because of "racy lyrics." What were these racy lyrics, you ask? I was expecting a swear word or maybe something, anything explicit. No. In Donna Sommers' "Last Dance," she says "so horny." People just freak out over nothing. Anything to start drama, I guess... You can read the full article from MSNBC here.

Alright, here's another sweet video, similar to the video I showed a few days ago with the drop of water on a hydrophobic surface.

... Sand is sweet. Too bad not all sand is like this... That would be awesome.

Alright, that's all I've got. Time to play us out. This is Ashes to Oranges. And you're welcome.

~Christian

I Can Feel It in the Air Tonight

2010-06-11T23:03:00.002-04:00

Are you fat? Have you tried everything and still can't lose weight? Well, now there's hope! Just become te world's fattest person! A New Jersey woman has tried this proven system and has gotten the results she wanted! Seriously though. I guess this chick was just like, "Well,I can't lose the weight... Fuck it, I'll become the fattest bitch this world's ever seen!" Read the article here.

That's unhealthy, by the way. Do not try that at home. Welcome. Let's watch a video of a guy who thought he was tough...

That looked like a lot of weight. Honestly, I commend him for trying. There's no way in hell I could've done it. And apparently there's no way in hell he could either.

So apparently, in Mexico, soccer > religion. What makes me say this? Because they've dressed up little Nino Dios (a statue of Jesus as a child) in a soccer uniform. Click this link and look at the picture. He's got more balls around him than a kid at Neverland Ranch... Is it bad to make a joke about baby Jesus and Michael Jackson (may he burn in peace) in the same sentence?... Ah, I don't care.

Well, I'm tired so that's it for today. See you all tomorrow. Enjoy.

~Christian

Start With Boobs, End With Lasagna

2010-06-10T22:13:00.009-04:00

A few weeks ago, Hayley William, lead singer of Paramore, found herself in a little bit of trouble. And by trouble, I mean nude pictures of her leaked and went viral. Her response? "WTF? I got hacked!" Clearly, she didn't want people to see that pic, which begs the question: Why the hell did you take it then? Aren't pictures meant to be looked at by someone? Here's a suggestion for everyone: Don't ever take pictures of yourself naked unless you want it all over the internet. That being said, here's a link to an uncensored photo. Honestly, Hayley, this was your fault. If you didn't want us to see them, you shouldn't have snapped a nice little pic.

Welcome to Ashes to Oranges. What's with these singers lately? First Katy Perry, now Hayley Williams.

Let's start with a video from a YouTube celebrity: Mystery Guitar Man.

Isn't...that... fucking... incredible... Yea, he's pretty much the most awesome weblebrity... I might have made up that word, I don't know.

In the News

So don't you hate it when this happens to you: You're stealing things out of cars and then selling them on the street and then you end up trying to sell it to the owner? Annoying, right? That's exactly what happened to this guy, and according to police, this is his 40th arrest... Wow. Burglary is a tough charge. Tougher when you add larceny.

You gotta love drunk people. Always laughing and falling down and touching us inappropriately even after we've begged them to stop... Well here's a new one: This drunk guy broke into a bank (wait for it) to sleep. He was charged for burglary, but he didn't steal anything. So it's really just a B&E. I think the charges are a little excessive, but whatever. Here's the link for the article.

Well, that's it for today. Here's a video to play us out.

~Christian

One Night at McKyle's...

2010-06-09T22:38:00.007-04:00

Radiohead's Thom Yorke is predicting a collapse in the music industry, to which I say "No shit." But the thing of it is that he's saying it's gonna happen in the coming months. I suppose he's got a point. The music industry is just one big shit storm, a never-ending slew of horrible ideas (XCP, DRM, signing Brokencyde), and a lot of bands have started doing stuff that is just one big middle figner to the industry. Like Nine Inch Nails and Radiohead releasing free digital albums, Switchfoot dropping their label and releasing "Hello Hurricane" independently. So here's what I suggest: everyone should just have their own record label, and just say "Fuck you, Sony BMG and Universal and all the other fuckers that have kept artists from doing what they want for the past 50 years." Okay, so that's kind of a long thing to say, so maybe just "Fuck you" will suffice. Here's the full article.

This video is from an internet show called "Cute Things... Exploding." It's an art series... Designed to demonstrate how... awesome it is when cute things explode... Shut up and watch.

Yes! It's a minute-long stream of laughter. I nearly pissed myself laughing the first time I saw this.

Here's a video that went viral not too long ago. The OMG Cat!

My God... it's full of stars...

Now here's the OMG Cat exploding!

Yea, that was totally worth the space it took up.

This next video is incredibly pointless (more or less a waste of four minutes of my life...) But there is one redeemable quality: The song is just so damn catchy... What'd you think I was gonna say?...

I watched this video with Kyle... He seems to think the "beach chair" is a metaphor for her ass and the "palm tree" is a metaphor for her YAYbies (special thanks to Myq Kaplan). I reminded him that it's rap and they don't use metaphors... Cuz they suck.

Here's a post from Craigslist's Best of. It's pretty, um... well, different to say the least... It's from a girl to her porn-watching pig boyfriend. Enjoy.

So speaking of sex and stuff, Kyle decided it would be a good idea to show me this. Apparently, he doesn't know me at all. Because this makes me think bad things. It makes me want to do bad things. I have a pain building in my chest because of this fucking website. Thanks a fucking bunch Kyle... Anyway, there's soem pretty hot stuff on there, check it out.

That wraps it up for today. Join me tomorrow for more! Enjoy the closer.

~Christian

Why Can't We Be Friends? Why Can't We Be Friends?

2010-06-08T20:07:00.006-04:00

Hi, and welcome to Ashes to Oranges. So today is Tuesday, and that means it's time for the Face Palm of the Week. This week's spotlight is on Helen Thomas. If you've never heard her name before, she's part of the White House Press Corps. Recently, she made this statement.

Now, I'm not going to be one of the people calling her a racist, anti-Semite. I just feel she's a little misguided and maybe a tad confused or uneducated on certain topics. You see, Judaism isn't native to Germany or Poland, so I don't understand why she would send them there, as their "home." In fact, Judaism started in the Middle East, in places like Palestine (Call it whatever you want, honestly. If you like Israel, call it that. I find Palenstine a little easier to spell, personally).

Does she realize that almost all of the Jewish people in Israel were born there, or have at least spent the vast majority of their life there? Germany isn't home to those people.

In the words of Rodney King, "Why can't we all just get along?" Why can't Jews and Muslims live together in Israel/Palestine?

Do I agree with what Helen Thomas said? Absolutely not. But she has just as many rights as the rest of us. She shouldn't have been fired (or forced to resign) for speaking her mind. So face palms all around. There's a time and a place, Helen. But sorry you lost your job.

Let's move on.

Things I Actually Like

This is a video from my favorite YouTube show, "Is It a Good Ideas to Microwave This?" In this episode: Ping Pong Balls! Trust me, this is awesome.

They're like tiny orange magicians! Awesome.

This is another really cool one. It's a mercury light bulb.

... Where the hell can I buy a giant mercury light bulb? I need one.

Finally, we have them microwaving a PS3.

In the News

So a man is hiking with his girlfriend... during a thunderstorm. Bad idea number one. Unbeknownst to his girlfriend, the guy plans to propose. Bad idea number two. Lightning struck the mountain they were hiking three times. The third struck the couple. He suffered from third degree burns. She was killed. Now, I know I shouldn't make a joke, but what are the odds that this guy's ever gonna see this, right? Somebody up there knew that this guy was making a big mistake and decided to help him out. But apparently whoever decided to help made a poor judgment call... Here's the full article.

Oh my God, this one's creepy. African worms... in your eyes. Yep, new fear. Makes my eyes itch just thinking about it. There's some weird stuff out there, people. If eyes creep you out, I wouldn't recommend clicking this link. It's not that gross, just creepy...

Thast's it for today! I'll see all of you tomorrow for more stuff. Until then, here's an epic face palm from Naked Gun 33 1/3.

~Christian

Switch Hitter... So to Speak

2010-06-07T21:05:00.006-04:00

Getting married at a church is sooooo out. The new thing, according to a couple from New York, is getting married in a shark tank. They donned their white and black wet suits (which I found very clever) and then they were lowered into the tank in a steel cage. Cool stuff. Breaking tradition. I wonder if they were married by the captain of a ship... That would be pretty clever too. Here's the full article.

Hello, and welcome to Ashes to Oranges. I don't have any stories or rants to make for a long intro today, so let's watch some videos and not listen to me drone on and on, saying more or less nothing, and certainly nothing of any importance. You know, when I basically say the same things and repeat myself, being redundant and saying the same stuff. Doesn't it piss you off when people do that? I know it pisses me off. Like this one time when this guy was just talking and talking and he was trying to tell a story, but he just kept repeating the details over and over...

I think I'm hilarious. Anyway, here's a How To video on how to drown.

I never knew drowning was so simple. All I have to do is surrender to the water. God, I don't know why I hadn't thought of that...

The Netherlands has been busy, it seems. The record for the World's Tallest Lego Tower was 98 feet and 4 inches, set by Munich, Germany. But the Netherlands is claiming their tower is nearly 100 feet. The full article is here.

We've all played Call of Duty's Nazi Zombies mini-game, I'm sure. But have you ever wondered, "Does the fact that they're Nazis make them any worse?" Collegehumor has the answer.

Craigslist, Wherefore Art Thou?

I don't want this to be like, a rip-off of Tosh.0, but I'm trying to encorporate more stuff into my posts. So here are a few Craigslist posts that made me smile. I'm posting a full description, but I've linked it too. Trust me, I'm not making this shit up.

Penis Measuring - Two guys are trying to find out who's penis is bigger, but they don't want to look at each other's penis. They've told their respective girlfriends to share the measurements with each other, but these guys are a little skeptical. What are they asking for? They need a girl to come and look at each penis and then tell them whose is bigger. For 50 bucks.

Beat It With a Real JO-Bro - Wow. I just... Wow. I can't... I can't put my reaction to this into words... First of all, the picture of him at the bottom... WTF? Then there's the fact that he keeps repeating that he's not gay... Who's he trying to convince? My money's on himself. I mean... If this is his biggest fantasy, then... Wow. And to advertise that with your name, location, and a picture of yourself... He's got balls, I'll say that. And apparently he wants more... Wow...

So I think that's enough. Because that last one kind of... I don't even know. So anyway, let's call it a day. Here's something to play us out. Enjoy.

~Christian

Airplanes and Water Balloons

2010-06-06T19:18:00.008-04:00

Let me tell you all a little story. Last night was pretty cool for me. My friend, Kyle, and I went to a bar to see some bands play. The first thing that happened was that we couldn't find the damn place. We drove up and down the street for a good ten minutes before we found it. Then there was a $5 cover charge. Between the two of us we had $8. Which is to say that I had $8. The guy at the door said it would be fine. He marked our hands with X's (Because we can't drink. I asked if he wanted to see our IDs. "Don't ask, don't tell.") We had no money left, so we just asked the waitress for two waters. We waited about a half an hour before the first band went on, which is weird because we should've been ten minutes into their set when we got their. Kyle then realized he'd seen this band play before... And he said they were awful. After their set, which featured distorted guitar turned to 11, we concluded that they wouldn't sound so bad if they just turned down the volume. It was then that I realized we could get something to eat, because I had my Visa Debit Card. We ordered a pepperoni and steak pizza. It was delicious. Then a band called Eat Sugar started their set. They were really cool. They had an electric drum pad and two synthesizers, and they played this weird indie/electronica stuff. I talked to the singer after the show and he gave me a free CD. It was awesome. Then on the way home, we saw the Batmobile...

So that's my story. Fun night. I wanna do it again every weekend for the rest of the summer. Alright, I wanna plug something real quick and then we'll get into the videos and stuff (And I've got a really cool video for today). Me and my friend Stephen are trying to start a music festival called "Grungefest." I think you can guess what type of music this festival is geared toward. We need volunteers, donations, and support to make this a reality. Join our Facebook group. Let us know if you can do anything to help (ex. booking, venue, advertising, etc.)!

Here's our first video. I know I already bitched about the BP oil spill, and usually I let it go after I rant about it, but this was hilarous. It's the BP oil spill re-enacted... by cats.

Their new slogan: "You're not mad enough to not drive your car." Love it.

This next video isn't really a video. It's a song off B.o.B.'s first release called "Airplanes." It features Hayley Williams, and it's awesome.

I just realized that this is the version with Eminem too. The one with just Hayley is about a minute shorter. Both are great.

So I was on USAToday.com, and I saw a story from May 20th about a "mystery rodent" that scurried in front of the podium while President Obama was giving a speech. Why is this news?... Oh my God! A mouse is in the White house! Alert the media! White House authorities have assured the public that the mouse is not suspected of terrorism. Nonetheless, a mousehunt has ensued for questioning.

Well, that's all I've got for you today. So I'll leave you with this (I've been waiting to share this all day).

This is Ashes to Oranges. And you're welcome.

~Christian

Ranting in the Third Person

2010-06-05T18:35:00.005-04:00

Lately, I've been logging on to MyLifeisAverage.com. It's a site where people share quirky stories and experiences they've had. Most of the stories on there are freaking hysterical. Like this one, for example:

"Today in math class, we were all doing our homework for review in class. I was playing Pokemon on my DS online, playing someone in the area. I got my ass kicked several times by the same person. My teacher then announces 'Someone in this school sucks at Pokemon'. I have never idolized a teacher more."

"I ordered pizza online from pizza hut. They had a 'Special Instructions' box, so for kicks I put in 'Arrange topping in shape of a dinosaur'. Instead they arranged 'NO' in vegetables. Touche' pizza hut."

That's awesome. But some of the other stories on there are, I believe, people trying to get attention. Allow me to elaborate:

"Today, one of the boys at my school asked me what kind of girl I am. My reply? 'The kind who get's sunburned from being outside blowing bubbles too long.' I have a date this Friday."

Let me start with what the guy in this story did wrong. What kind of question is "What kind of girl are you?" How do you answer that? "Ummm, I'm a white girl?..." Stupid fucking questions get stupid fucking answers, which brings us to the girl. She just wants to feel validated because she's a weirdo.

I hate people that do this kind of shit. They tell you all this bullshit about their life. Sometimes I want to yell "I don't care!" What's worse is when people bitch about their lives all the time. Sure, I complain a lot, but it's not about how much my life sucks. There's this one chick I know, and every time I see her, she's like "I don't have a boyfriend. I'm so depressed and suicidal. Why can't I get a boyfriend?" I want to look her right in the eye and say "Because you're a stupid whiny brat who needs to roll up her sleeves and get the fuck over it. Life ain't easy. And you ain't makin' it any better sitting around crying about this stupid shit all the time." I mean honestly, why would someone assume that because they don't have a boyfriend in high school that they're going to be alone for the rest of their life. It's fucking pathetic! So quit. Get over it... And stop telling me shit I don't care about...

Hello, and welcome to Ashes to Oranges. Haha. That was a long time coming, I think. I really needed to say all that. By the way, if you are one of those kinds of people I mentioned, don't tell me. Cuz I don't care. Just get over it, consider this a test.

Alright, here's a cool video. They took the cantina scene from thge original Star Wars and edited it to advertise the FIFA World Cup.

That's hilarious. "I don't like you either, fool." Oh, Snoop Dogg. Your antics are always funny, in this or anything other galaxy.

In the News

This first story comes to us from Wenatchee, Washington. A guy was arrested two days ago for a disorderly conduct charge. They strip-searched him and found nothing on his person. Later, however, the police found a plastic bag and duct tape in the toilet: signs of contraband havign been smuggled in rectally. Usually, an inmate will have smuggled in a small bag of drugs, or something along those lines. What did this inmate carry in? A cigarette lighter, rolling papers, a baggie of tobacco the size of a golf ball, a smaller baggie of marijuana, a 1-inch smoking pipe, a bottle of tattoo ink and eight tattoo needles. Holy shit. That was all up his ass in a plastic bag. The original article is here.

So, Russia. We knew they were a little... you know. But this is like, solid, undeniable proof. The mayor of a Russian town beat a 69-year-old woman who was too slow to open the door to his office on Tuesday. What the hell? He was arrested and charged with abuse of authority. Why couldn't he open his own damn door? You know what I do when someone doesn't open a door for me? Nothing. I open it myself. End of story. No need to go all Rambo on an old lady... Read the article here.

I'm about to head out, so I'll leave you with this. Enjoy.

~Christian

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2010-06-04T18:35:00.008-04:00

So, the first thing you should notice is the fact that you're hearing music. Probably The Stones, unless shuffle has started working. If you don't hear any music, it's probably because your speakers aren't working. So, I've got some cool stuff lined up (that's a lie, I'm making this up as I go), so let's get started, shall we?

I want to start with this "WTF?" video. It's apparently a Justin Bieber cover (that's what the title says, I have no idea), and it's by this little 7-year-old kid that wants to grow up to be a rapper. This is one of the worst things I've seen in I don't know how long. You've been warned.

... Yea. He sucks. He's a little white kid in a polo shirt pretending to be like, fuckin' Busta Rhymes or something. And he can't carry a tune. Can't hit a pitch... Actually, that sounds like me, only he's higher pitched... By the way, where does the term "shorty" come from? Anybody know? Cuz not all chicks are short. Like Amazons...

This next video... Well, I don't know what this driver was trying to accomplish... Maybe he was on acid? Thought he could fly? I like that the title of the video says he went "all General Lee."

Crazy, right? Maybe he was tired of waiting for his flight and thought he'd just fly himself... I don't know... I wish we could see the aftermath... Oh wait, we can! Isn't the internet wonderful?

This video took me a second to get. It's a Chik-fil-A video about cow tipping.

It's ironic, see? Speaking of Chik-fil-A, do you think there's a Chik-fil-B?...

Rant

Why the hell is it so hard for BP to fix their fucking leak? You'd think they'd have some kind of protocol for it, like a plan B or something... In case of oil spill, break the glass, anything! I heard President Obama say this was the largest oil spill in our history. No shit, Mr. President. That's because you all sat on your asses and did nothing for 40 days. He also said that there was a lot of aid coming to help clean it. Brilliant, wonderful! Where the is this clean-up crew?

... The Ghostbusters? You called the fucking Ghostbusters?... *Sigh* The technology to completely reverse the effects of this oil spill exist, and are available, but nobody wants to fucking pay for it. I heard a couple of guys talking on the radio about that ump that apologized to Galarraga, and they were like "I wish we could get an apology from a BP Exec." Well played, radio man. Well played. Fox News' Megyn Kelly had an interview with someone who said BP is now standing for "Barack's Problem." This is his Katrina. How well has he handled it? Not well, Mr. President. Not well.

Yea, you thought this was gonna be all fun and games, didn't you? Didn't realize we were going to talk politics. But fear not, my rant is over. As a side note, President Obama did not actually call in the Ghostbusters for help. It was for the sake of comedy. Alright, I'm tired. That rant took a lot out of me. So, I'll leave you with this pic.

~Christian

Survey Says...

2010-06-03T20:09:00.000-04:00

What's up everybody? So today is just gonna be the same old, same old: I'm gonna plug some stuff I think is cool, show you some funny videos, bitch about stuff, and tell you the weird news. You know, the usual. First up, stuff I think is cool.

So, lately, I've been playing emulators. "What the hell is an 'emulator'?" you ask? Well if you'd stop interrupting, I'll tell you. An emulator is a computer program that simulates a gaming console. Now, you can emulators for pretty much any console, from Atari to Playstation 3. Why is this so cool? Because I can sit here on my laptop and freaking play Legend of Zelda any time I want. It's tricky, and sometimes difficult to save; it's not perfect, but it's fun as hell. I played Lemmings for like a hlaf an hour last night. Let me show you some good places to go.

The Old Computer - The only really good emulator on this site is the NES emulator, but they have thousands of games for NES, SNES, Gameboy, Atari, the works. So if you're looking for games for your emulator, this is definitely the site for it.

Emulator Zone - This is the real place to go for your emulators. They've got access to all kinds of different systems, including the Visual Boy, an incredible Gameboy Advanace emulator.

Dope Roms - This is another great place to go for games. If you download the Visual Boy, the Gameboy games on this site work for it, the ones on The Old Computer don't. Other Gameboy emulators work with 7z files, though.

Let's see, more cool stuff. Oh! Ever heard of IMVU? Probably, considering their ads are freaking everywhere. If you have, you might be wondering why I'm plugging it. It's a 3D Chat network, and even though it's used mostly for people hooking up (or so I've been told) to play out little sexual fantasies with complete strangers, I've met some really interesting people on it. Plus, it's a fun way to pass the time. You can talk with people one-on-one (so to speak) or you can go to various user-created chat rooms. I really dig it. You might too.

The other thing I've been doing lately is writing a screenplay based on DJ MacHale's Pendragon series. I don't know if anyone has ever read any of these books, but I absolutely love them. There's 10 in all, so you all had better get started. People have approached DJ before about making movies, but he's always been kind of hesitant, because he doesn't want Hollywood to ruin them. This concern is also shared by fans, and thus thependragonmovie.com was born. And that is why I'm writing a screenplay. So far, I think I'm doing pretty well. Click that link if you wanna read it.

Now, let's watch some videos. This first one is... well, probably one of the coolest things I've seen on YouTube in a long time.

Pretty sweet, right? This next video is by the same guy. It's his ideal way to film an action scene (specifically, no shaky camera work to make up for a lack of decent stunts).

I really like that video. But I think this next video is going to be the highlight of post today. This is, by far, one of the most talented performers I've ever seen. Just watch.

You see what I mean? Frankly, the drumline isn't really that difficult, but the way he was playing it, it may as well have been a Dream Theater song. I mean, look at what he's doing with his drum sticks! To maintain that much energy while still keeping the beat... it's unprecedented!

Anyway, let's turn to the news. I wanna start by saying that Armando Galarraga was fucking robbed of that perfect game last night. Like, I don't follow any sport very much, but I saw that game. And that ump, Jim Joyce, fucking blew it. Jason Donald was out by a good four or five feet. Joyce apologized later, but while an ump admitting a mistake is rare, it doesn't change anything. That should've been the third perfect game this season (which in itself would be awesome, not to mention it would've been Galarraga's first perfect game). You can read more here.

But let's see some really weird news, though. Sound good?

In Adelaide, Australia, a couple were buying a trailer when it was stolen. They were in the trailer with a sales manager, and the thief jumped into the car and drove off, with them still inside. Apparently, he just did it for the rush, because he abandoned it a few streets over... Or maybe he just sucks at stealing cars... Read the article here.

Well, what say we call it a night. Some interesting stuff to mill over. Tomorrow's Friday, I'll have to think of something cool to start doing on Fridays. See ya then!

~Christian

100th Post

2010-06-02T21:24:00.000-04:00

Well, I wish I had thought about this before, but this is my 100th post... I feel like we need to celebrate. Except I don't care that much. When we get to 500 we'll celebrate. So, I'm keeping my promise. Two days and still going strong. So, let's see what's happening in the world.

Weird News

So everyone remembers this video, right?

Well, Fritz Grobe and Stephen Voltz are doing another experiment: A vehicle propelled by Mentos and Coke. Probably not cost effective in the slightest, but it's cool factor should be enough for people to ignore that fact... You can read more about it here.

In Massachucetts, a woman ran a man over with her car. But that's not the weird part. Thge weird part is that his name is Lord Jesus Christ... They need to stop letting people change their names to shit like this. I mean, if I want to change my name to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, somebody should be like "Umm... GTFO." But I digress. What I really want to know is what he said after she ran him over. I think it went one of two ways:

THUMP
Woman: Oh my Lord!
LJC: Yes, my child. But fear not, I have forgiven you through my blood.

or

THUMP
LJC: Fuck! What the hell, bitch?! Jesus H. Christ! Watch where you're fucking going next time, asshole!

Yea, that's probably pretty accurate. Read the full article here.

Has everyone heard about the sinkhole in Guatemala? That's some crazy shit, isn't it? Look at this thing.

It opened up just after the tropical storm Agatha hit. It swallowed a three-story building! At least one man was inside it. Several people are still missing. Holy crap. It's just a big black hole.

Videos to Make You Smile

This first video was featured on an episode of Tosh.0. I don't know what the hell it's about, but nonetheless, I freaking love it. It cracks me up every time.

This next video I think is part of a larger project called "High School Sucks: The Musical." But I'm not sure. In any case, it's a fairly accurate representation of high school. It's not some crappy little fairy tale--coughHighSchoolMusicalcough--like something else we've heard about.

It's high school, and it sucks. It sucks so much. I like the line about the emo kids cutting the grass. I'm not one for stereotypes, but that was funny.

Well, I'll see all of you tomorrow. I'll have all sorts of cool new stuff lined up. Later!

~Christian

Grand Re-Opening!!

2010-06-01T21:44:00.000-04:00

June 1st. Felt it was a good place to start again. I haven't posted sicne March the fucking 17th... Wow. We're gonna get back to an "every day" thing like I planned in the beginning, alright? And I'm gonna start a new set-up Now let's get started. By the way, I'd first like to say congrats class of 2010. For most of us, it was a long run. For others, well, I don't know how the you graduated, but congrats on being some kind of magician... Also, I'm writing this from my brand new laptop! It's sweet--even though it's an Acer... Anyway...

Face Palm of the Week

So a week or two ago, I was looking at a Wiki list of albums coming out this year. As I scanned, a Miley Cyrus album caught my eye. Normally it wouldn't, but the title peaked my interest... "Can't Be Tamed." Great. I had to see some album art. Luckily, there was a picture of the cover.

See. You're interested now... Aren't you?

At this point, there was no escaping it: I had to watch the video for the lead single. And luckily for all of you, you get to watch it too.

I'm not an expert, but I'm fairly certain it took Britney Spears years longer to get to this point in her career. I'm not gonna lie, the song itself isn't horrible. The hook could use some work, but I'm just saying... So like it or leave it, people, Miley Cyrus the Disney girl is gone. Say hello to Miley Cyrus the sex symbol.

Let's jump to a different segment, one I call "Things I Actually Like." Today's spotlight is on comedian Myq Kaplan. See the thing that sets Myq apart from other comedians is the fact that he's actually intelligent. It's all wordplay, not just sex and fart jokes--coughDaneCookcough--it's actually well thought out. But let me show you, rather than tell you.

He does a lot of the same jokes when he does shows, but I still really like him. He's hysterical.

So anyway, itis time for the part of blogging I miss the most: sharing weird news stories. Let's see what going on in this twisted little world.

First up is quite possibly the oddest burglary I've come across. Other than the time that guy robbed a lady then came back later and asked her out on a date... Anyway, someone in Ohio had their wheelchair ramp stolen... I have a question: What the fuck do you need a 10-foot ramp for so badly that you'd steal one? They're probably skateboarders. Anyway, she's getting a new one for free, but seriously... Here's the article.

Anyone ever heard of a band called Alaska Alaska? Me neither. But it seems their drummer is quite the party animal. Nicholas Blossom was so drunk last Saturday that he fell off a third-floor balcony and landed on a metal spike fence... headfirst. Here's the weird thing: he survived. Imagine the anti-alcohol marketing this guy's gonna do... You know, after he's out of the ICU... Read the story here.

Good stuff. That's a pretty full entry. Expect more like this. Longer, better, stronger. And expect them more often. Until next time, good night, and good luck.

~Christian

Saint Paddy's Day! (AKA, The Excuse to Get Drunk During the Week)

2010-03-17T13:28:00.000-04:00

In honor of this holiday, please enjoy the following Irish jokes!

The Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where the fuck have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us; not even a fucking line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)... an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the South of France, and...."
"Now, what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute, Dad... Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra' It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A murder suspect.

That's it folks, hope these made you smile!

~Christian

Of Mice and Men

2010-03-07T12:16:00.000-05:00

I've seen some pretty stupid research done in my day, and while this isn't the dumbest, it makes the list. Scientists are currently studying "mice love songs." I guess males sing in this ultrasonic register and it drives the ladies crazy. Some of the time. There are, according to this article, the "Justin Timberlake" mice and then there are mice that sing more like... well, more like this guy.

Yea, it sucks. But I don't think it's any worse than this little gem.

I hate to bash on a little girl like this, but (in the words of the great Simon Cowell) she has got to be the worst singer I've ever heard in my life. I'm serious, it was so bad, I actually question my profession.

And here is one of the coolest things I've seen this year: a 69-year-old woman who DJs in nightclubs in Paris. She's pretty hardcore.

I think that's cool. I mean, my parents try to like the music I listen to (my mom even learns words to songs on the radio... *shudder*) but this lady actually likes it. It's pretty cool.

I'm done for today, people. See ya tomorrow or some other time... And check out my other blog for CD reviews. Later.

~Christian

Yea, Yea, I Know...

2010-03-05T15:56:00.000-05:00

What up, people? It's been a while. I'd like to let you all (if there's even anyone out there) know that I've got a new blog in which I will be reviewing music albums. So, check it out.

Here's a video from a movie from 1994, based on the Fantastic Four. Haha, they should've called it "The Fantastically Awful Four."

Yea, it's bad. Look up more, they're hysterical.

Nintendo Wii: Making people look stupid since 2006.

"Here it comes! Here it comes!" Yea, go ahead and say it, cuz it can't get any worse.

How about another video? Just cuz I love ya.

It's a shame when a star like that makes a mistake...

That's all ladies and gents. See ya some other time...

~Christian

If a Body Meet a Body...

2010-02-13T22:47:00.000-05:00

... So you know how there are some things you can't un-see? This video is one of them... It's from Funny or Die. Now, they won't let me embed the video from YouTube, so here's a link. Be warned: this video contains some strong language and nudity. But don't get your hopes up about the nudity...

Hey, has everyone heard that the Nickelodeon show Avatar is being made into a live action movie? M. Night Shyamalan is directing it, so it should be at least alright. And what's better is that it looks like they're staying really true to the series. Check it out.

My only concern is how they're going to fit a 100-episode serial into a 2-hour movie...

So, let's see what's going on in the world these days. There are some detectives in Italy trying to solve the case of a Baroness and her lover... who were killed almost 450 years ago... There's also a man in Detroit selling land for $1 per square inch. Think it's stupid? He's already got 600 investors. It's all part of a big project, I guess. They can do anything they want with the land, and some are making tiny buildings... Here's the article.

Alright, I'm tired. Later people.

~Christian

I Could Make a Balls Joke, But...

2010-01-31T21:57:00.000-05:00

Well, to be honest, I don't think that there are any more ball jokes to make after I saw this video. They've done all of them...

I could play with these balls all day. Priceless. More quality entertainment from Ashes to Oranges...

... This next story begs only one question: What is the quickest route to Tucumcari, New Mexico? Police found over $600,000 in pot after a man crashed into a snow pile... That's ridiculous. You can read the article here.

That's all today, people. See ya next time.

~Christian

It's Been One Week Since You Looked At Me...

2010-01-28T21:02:00.000-05:00

Thought I'd post this video while it's still a cool up-and-coming thing.

You can watch it like a bunch of times and it's still pretty sweet. I guess it's gotten a lot of controversy from hardcore Christians. They say that "marriage is holy and this is a mockery of it." But I say marriage is about two people who love each other, and they should have the choice of celebrating said love in whatever fashion they choose. So suck it, hardcore Christians.

I would be seriously pissed off if this happened to me. An 86-year-old man in Peru had an infection of the foot and it would need to be amputated. Sucks right? It gets worse. It always does at Ashes to Oranges. Surgery goes fine, but when he wakes up and lifts up the sheets... they amputated the wrong goddamn foot... And the infection is still spreading. So what other choice does he have but chop the other foot off? Sucks. Here's the article.

And that's it for tonight. I'll leave you in the hands of Foamy the Squirrel.

~Christian

So I Herd U Liek Mudkipz??

2010-01-21T16:56:00.000-05:00

I has come to my attention that many people do not know of the glory of the Mudkip... which is surprising, since it has gotten almost as infamous as the Rickroll... So, let me enlighten you. With a little thing we like to call "The Copypasta." This has not been altered in any way.

Today being Halloween, I decided to fuck with the major retard at school when I came out of science for break. He was dressed as Ash. Knowing this was going to happen, I brough a Mudkips doll. Thus I started the conversation, making sure no one saw me.

"So I heard you like Mudkips..." "Mudkips? I LUUUUUUUUUUUUVE MUDKIPS." "O RLY? So, would you ever fuck a Mudkips, that is.." (he cuts me off before I could said 'if you were a mudkips') "OF COURSE." "Well I just happen to have a Mudkips here, and."

Before I finished the sentence, which would have resulted in me hitting him across the face with the doll, he grabbed it. In one swift motion his pants were down and he was violenly humping it. Not to get between a man and his Mudkips I started to walk away, because there is no way I'd be caught wrestling a half-naked crazy guy humping a Mudkips.

Needles to say, within 5 to 10 seconds, some girls saw him and started screaming. I cooly walked into a restroom, pretending nothing had ever happened; not that I had intended that outcome, but now that it was in play I didn't want to be involved.

I came back two minutes later, and like any wanton act on school grounds there was now a huge crowd round him. He was still fucking it and baying this real fucked up 'EEEEEEEEEEINNNNF EEEEEEEEEEINNNF' sound. Suddenly a scuffle broke out in the middle, meaning he probably did something stupid.

I asked someone what had happened. A girlfriend of one of the football players tried to get him to stop, but he bit her for trying to take it away. Someone called in a few football players (all dressed up like Road Warrior) who proceeded to pummel the shit out of the guy. Meanwhile the school police were freaking out and having trouble getting in to the situation.

A few minutes later the intruder alarm went off and we were shuffled into classrooms. Over the intercom the principal announced that someone had thrown a flaming plush toy into the library. Uh.. what the hell.

So we were kept there and about 30 minutes later the principal came on again. This time he was saying that whoever was behind the beating should turn themselves in. All of a sudden this woman began yelling "I WILL SUE YOU FOR DAMAGES. YOU LITTLE PUNKS, I'M GONNA SUE..." and it was cut off.

I asked an office later what had happened. Apparently his mother had come to pick him up and threatened to sue for the beating and 'whatever else happened.' The school threatened to counter-sue because of lewd conduct, inciting a riot, and starting a fight.

So I ask you: do you like Mudkips?

Watch this video (the original Kip Roll), to better help you understand the Mudkip phenomenon.

Yea. For 9 and a half minutes... Isn't it great?

Okay, let's move away from Mudkip now. And on to Family Guy. This is from an older episode, so I'm sure you've all seen it at some point, but it's still freakin' hilarious.

There are a ton of songs named after girls. He didn't name Emily, Janine, Amber, Kelsey, Trinity, Chelsea, Nancy the Tavern Wench, Jane Doe, Sarah Wynn, Aurora, Emma, Stella, Jasey Rae, Holly, Lucy, Gracie, Adelaide, Kylie from Connecticut, Layne, Helena, Cath..., Donna, Beth... Well, I think you get the idea...

Haha, that's it for today, kiddies!

~Christian

Christ TV

2010-01-20T19:21:00.000-05:00

I found a video of a prank call on a British channel called Christ TV. And then I found a bunch. Let's run through some of these, shall we?

This first video is kind of difficult to hear, but trust me, it's freaking worth it. I guess this was some kind of Christian television show where the host would read emails of viewers. The two in this video are priceless.

I'm pretty sure that when he reads the "response to the previous email," it says something along the lines of "that email bears a striking resemblance to Star Wars." At which point he's like "Frick!"

I like this one, too. You'll catch it immediately.

God is a lot like Rick Astley... That's a bold statement...

This one had me rolling. And not rickrolling like the last one. It's just so flawless in its transition...

I'm sure there are plenty more out there somewhere, but that's all I got for today. Just remember that God is never gonna give you up, and he'll never let you down. He won't run around or desert you.

~Christian

It's Sad, But I Can't Stop Laughing

2010-01-17T23:56:00.000-05:00

A friend just showed me this... It's... no, I can't describe what this is...

Yea...

So you're driving down the road late at night on the busiest road in the city. You look up at a billboard, and on it is a 2-minute clip of a porn video. What do you do?
A) Gasp in shock, cover the children's eyes
B) Laugh until you realize that's your wife and some other guy.
C) Take pictures and laugh and have a good ol' time.
Well, if you live in Moscow, the answer would probably be D) All of the above. Cuz that's what happened in downtown Moscow the other day. Read the article here.

Well, I guess that's it for today. Tune in next time!

~Christian

This is What Happens When You Eat the Heads of Bats

2010-01-13T22:15:00.000-05:00

My brother just showed me this video. It's pretty good. It shows us the details of Ozzy kicking Zakk Wylde out of Ozzy's band.

Yea, it lacks decent audio quality, but it makes me smile. "I don't want to sound like Black Label Society, I want to sound like My Chemical Romance."

Do you enjoy stories that make you scratch your head in confusion? If so, read this. If not, what are you doing on my blog?... Anyway, this guy walks into a FedEx store and hands a note to the guy working. It reads "This is a robbery. I'll wait outside for the police. Sorry." He then proceeded to walk outside the store and wait for the authorities... The man did not carry a weapon. The man did not commit a crime. He was, however, arrested. For initiating a false report. That's fucking stupid, really. I mean, the FedEx guy is the one who should be reprimanded. The guy told him he would wait outside for the police for Christ's sake. But the "robber" in question "initiated" it. I think they should just be like, "Dude, go home. Stop pretending to be a criminal."

By the way, speaking of criminals, I watched "Law Abiding Citizen" last night with Chelsea. It was kick ass. Though I'm not 100% sure I liked the character development. The plot was great, though. The suspense was killer (get it?) and the cinematography (especially the final scene) was fantastic. I loved the last scene. Great movie, coming out on DVD soon. Check it out.

That's it for tonight, people.

~Christian

She's Got Me Spendin'...

2010-01-12T11:04:00.000-05:00

Two days ago, ImprovEverywhere held their 9th Annual "No Pants Subway Ride." While they have yet to upload a video of that particular outing, please enjoy the past two years.

Some of the people aren't even surprised. My favorite reaction is the guy at 1:26.

Haha, there's like a bunch of little kids in that one, and those parents must be like "Well, we knew that when we moved to New York it was gonna be like this..."

One last thing. This is for anybody that thinks maybe there's no hope left for society. A cab driver in New York City drove 50 miles to return a purse someone had left in his cab. The owner was a woman named Felicia Lettieri. In the purse was travel money for Felicia and her six relatives, which ran to the tune of about $21,000. The cabbie found an address in the purse and drove to Long Island. Nobody was home. He left a note and his number. On top of all that, he refused a reward. Damn good man. I mean, sure, I would've returned the money, but I think I'd have wanted a reward of some kind... You can read that article here.

And thus, another episode of Ashes to Oranges comes to a close. Sorry you didn't get to see me eat a live shark. The pet store was all out.

~Christian

When the Hell Did You Get Here?!

2010-01-11T23:03:00.001-05:00

I saw this video today. there's no reason for this invention...

Yep. That's all it freakin' does. You click "on" and it turns itself off... Brilliant...

Have you ever been fast asleep and snuggled a little closer to the person on the other side of the bed and then suddenly realize... That person wasn't there before... Apparently, that's what happened to this woman. Just wakes up and is like "Oh, there's some guy in my bed... WTF?!" Yep, so be careful when you sleep, ladies and gentlemen. Make sure all doors and windows are securely fastened.

That's it for today. Join us next time when I eat a live shark! (Subject to change).

~Christian

That's What She Said

2010-01-08T14:30:00.000-05:00

Steve Carell won People's Choice for "Best TV Comedy Actor." This was the best speech ever. (Even better than Mariah Carrey's. Ha!)

This video is why I love the news... some times.

That's it for today. See you tomorrow!

From a Queen to a Diva

2010-01-07T14:58:00.000-05:00

So, Mariah Carey is a weirdo. A really good-looking weirdo, but a weirdo nonetheless. We all know this. Which makes this clip kind of... unsurprising.

Mariah: You'll have to forgive me, I'm a little bit...
Eminem: Fucked up!
Mariah: ... Yea.
Classic.

Hey, have I mentioned how terrible the weather outside is? Coming home from Sinclair, I was skidding (I was sliding all over the road the whole time I was driving today, but I digress). My car slid 360 degrees. I turned in a freaking circle with a big-ass dump truck behind me. Scary as hell.

Are you snowed in? Join the club. Why not get on an extra-marital dating site. That's right, boys and girls. Adultery! What better way is there to spend your chilly afternoon than snuggling down with someone that's not your spouse? That's apparently what people in Great Britain have been doing lately, as more than 2,500 people from Hampshire and Berkshire and such log on to get off. Why? Who cares? The web site is making money. Here's the article.

And for now, I shall say adieu... Adieu.

~Christian

I Hate Dayton

2010-01-06T13:35:00.001-05:00

Okay, maybe I don't hate it, but the parking situation sucks right now. Every lot was full around campus, so I had to park six blocks away (in a Catholic School parking lot, which is probably not allowed) then walk the rest of the way in the cold. I missed my first class. But enough of my whining. Here's a great video I watched last night.

Ah, Ricky Gervais. So funny.

Here's an epic win video.

My bike style crushes your mantis style!

I love this story. Happened a few days ago. A guy opted to go to jail instead of spending New Year's Eve with his family. He stole some stuff from a convenience store, conveniently next door to the police station (get it?). It's a strange world we live in...

That's all for today. More tomorrow!

~Christian

Etc., Etc., Etc.

2010-01-05T12:06:00.000-05:00

This is kind of a cool thing I found on YouTube. There are 5 scientific phenomena happening at the same time: A sun halo (the ring of light around the sun), 2 sun dogs (the beams of light coming from the halo), a circumzenithal arc (the upside-down rainbow), and the bright spot at the top of the halo. Pretty sweet.

I don't know about you, but I think it's kind of cool. I'd love to see it in person...

Okay, here's a cool story. Twin boys. One is born before just midnight on December 31. The other, however, wasn't born until a few hours later. After midnight. So yes, they were technically born on different days. Yes, they were also technically born in different years. But the real ringer here is that they were also technically born in different decades. There's one to tell the kids at school!

I'm done for today. Things to do, places to go. See ya!

~Christian

Mistakes, Glories & How They Get That Way

2010-01-04T13:49:00.000-05:00

I love getting on YouTube and finding random videos by not-famous users. Virals are great, and companies like College Humor are good too, but where else but an indie are you gonna find Super Mario Jesus?

Abstinence only! Classic.

Alright, so I was flipping through YouTube when I found this video (I didn't mean for this entry to only have Jesus videos, but whatever...).

Pretty funny. But here's my dilemma: I can't tell if he's praising God, or mocking him... At first, it seems like he's all for God, and the guy in that video is wrong. But then he confuses me around the point where the guy says "I thought you were all-merciful and all-forgiving. Then it's all downhill from there... Someone let me know what you think...

A-ba-dee-ba-dee-a that's all folks... I think that was a pretty good Porky Pig...

~Christian

Twas the Night Before New Year's

2009-12-31T13:49:00.000-05:00

So tonight marks the end of 2009. What a year it's been, right? Let's run through some highlights, shall we? Well, there was Kanye bashing Taylor, Chris Brown bashed (literally, this time) Rihanna, District 9, Alice in Chain's first studio album in 14 years, that senator that yelled at President Obama, DJ Hero, Transformers 2... It's just been a damn good year. Here's a video that I think is absolutely phenomenal. This song is a remix of 25 of the year's biggest pop songs including Black Eyed Peas, Taylor Swift, Kings of Leon, and Lady GaGa.

Honestly, I don't like most of the songs used, but collectively, they make a great song.

Here's another video. You know those numbers you see on bathroom walls that say "for a good time, call this number"? Ever call one?

Best ending to any video ever.

Okay, I want everyone to go out and try to beat this record: A woman gets pulled over in South Dakota. She's drunk. But here's the kicker: her blood alcohol content was .708... that's nine times the legal limit. That's a record. So, tonight is New Year's Eve. I want everyone to get shit-faced, plastered, hammered, horizontal, and whatever other synonyms for drunk you can think of and then record your blood alcohol. Alright, not really. If people did that, I'd get in trouble, so this is the disclaimer, saying it was only a joke... but seriously, the idea is already there and I can't stop you... :D

~Christian

Ten Days Later...

2009-12-27T22:04:00.000-05:00

... Um, hi. So, I've been kind of neglectful. Really neglectful. I haven't been updating. But starting the first of the year, I'll try to get on and put something up every day. Here's a video of some marshmallows being brutally massacred.

It's always Steve that goes first...

This next video isn't so much funny as it is cute and/or romantic. I also really like the song (it's "Yellow" by Coldplay).

That's for Chels, if she ever reads this post. She showed me the video.

Alright, this story is from Christmas day in Missouri. Do you have one of those friends that's kind of hard to shop for? Well, there is one gift that trumps all others, and this guy decided to give this gift which keeps on giving. Officers found in this guy's car 20 pounds of gift-wrapped marijuana. A merry fucking Christmas indeed.

I know it's not much, after having been gone for ten days with no good explanation... but there you go. See you tomorrow!

~Christian

Ain't No Postin' When He's Gone...

2009-12-17T22:25:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't posted in a couple days. Oh well. I might stop this altogether soon. Don't know yet. Anyway, some videos.

This has gotta be one the most useless things I've ever seen: The Necky. It's like a Snuggie... for your neck... What's next? Headie for your head! Handsie, for your hands! Dicky for your... well, you get the picture.

Yup.

I'm gonna finish tonight with a download. Here's Trivium's 2005 release "Ascendancy." I think this was their most articulate album to date, and a sort of balance between the different aspects of their music. It wasn't strictly heavy metal like "Ember" was, and not as shitty as "The Crusade" was. Enjoy.

Long Weekend

2009-12-14T11:14:00.000-05:00

I didn't update over the weekend cuz I had too much going on. Two parties in two days, band practice, blah blah blah. Anyway, I'm here now, and we're gearing up for the Christmas season (fuck "holiday season").

Here's a video of a bum playing Radiohead's "Creep."

He rocked that song, man. Seriously.

In other news, the Australian government is encouraging pandas to reproduce... Yea, apparently there is some kind of "shoots of bamboo welfare plan" or something. The more cubs you have, the more bamboo the government will pay out... Alright, so maybe that's not exactly how it works, but seriously? Here's the article.

December 10...

2009-12-10T11:09:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my birthday. Chels got me this sweet notebook that's covered with like vinyl or something. I don't know, but anyway, it's sweet. So I decided to start a journal in it. write what's going on in my life, sketch, jot down song ideas. whatever pops up. So if you're reading this, Chels, I love it. But you're probably not reading this...

So, let me just throw up a couple videos and we'll get this show on the road. This video is one I saw on Tosh.0 once. It's like... hardcore, or something...

Yea, there isn't a word for it, you know?

Okay, here's another video that's just kind of... I don't know. It's been circulating for a little while, and has probably already started to go viral. The WoW freak-out kid, ladies and gentlemen.

Remote... up the ass... and how did he get his clothes off?... But on the plus side, he'd make it big as a grindcore vocalist...

Here's something that'll get you some street cred in prison: Three guys are sitting in the prison cafeteria. First guy: "I killed three people. What're you two in for?" Second guy: "I went on a car theft spree. Stole twenty cars before they busted me." Third guy: "I pissed on a cop..." Here's the thing: the guy really did piss on a freakin' cop. It was his fifth (count 'em, five times!) drunk driving arrest. The cop put him in the cruiser and the guy pisses all over the back seat and sprays the officer in the back of the head. He got piss on his head! When I read the article, I thought it would be on his boots or something. But no, on his freakin' head. He's serving one year, he was fined $3600, and he's had his license revoked. Yea, that ought to teach him. You can read the article here.

And that's all folks! I'll try and put more up tomorrow.

~Christian

Guess What Tomorrow Is

2009-12-08T23:03:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is my mother fuckin' birthday. And it's gonna be sweet. Cuz I get money. So today, I dressed up like an elf and delivered Christmas presents to the elderly at a nursing home. And also found out that my former place of employment has since firing me hired a new guy. Fuck 'em. I hope the place burns to the ground.

Anyway. I found this video earlier. I think it's funny.

Yea. It's alright. I need to cut this one pretty short, so I think I'll just put a link to a great CD.

This album is one of my favorites: Trapt's self-titled disc. Listen to it yourself. It's great. *Quiet snicker*

And until tomorrow, that shall be all. Hope you liked the download... Hahaha!

"C" is for [Insert Genitalia Reference Here]

2009-12-06T00:00:00.000-05:00

Hey! This is probably gonna be a shorter one tonight, cuz I didn't get any sleep last night (literally) and I slept all day today and blah blah blah... anyway, I'm tired. But I'll throw in some cool stuff.

Here's Skillet's video for "Monster." I'm pretty pumped for their new album.

I love the part with the real low growl.

This video is from a month or two ago from College Humor. It's great.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

They put out some good stuff. "I feel like we all have really good aim until the second we put these helmets on." Ha! Classic.

Hahaha, this made me smile. Go to Google and type "tiger woods is " into the search bar. You get some cool results. For those of you too lazy to to it your damn selves, here's a picture.

And I'm out. Did anyone watch the Moochie series? Do it, the first episode is on yesterday's post. The rest are on YouTube. They're great. Me and Kyle watched all 6 twice yesterday. You'll laugh, you'll cry. Trust me. Adios.

~Christian

Talking Hamsters Rock

2009-12-04T21:38:00.000-05:00

So I was on X-Gen Studios and I saw an ad for a YouTube show called Moochie. It's a 6-part series about a hamster that talks. It's awesome. Here's the first episode.

Me and Kyle love it.

"God! Dad snores so loud I could kill him!" Ever said something like that before? Ever actually attack someone for it? This kid did. Allegedly.

Here's another story that may prove there is *gasp* humanity left in the world! I didn't think it was possible, but a prison accidentally freed the wrong prisoner, Ahmed Ismail, instead of Ismail Awad. And the guy turned himself in. Feel good stoy of the year right there.

Alright, now something to play us out.

Goodnight.

~Christian

Tonight, I Am Going to Wash the Hippy

2009-12-02T22:42:00.000-05:00

So, I've been writing more (lyrics) lately. I'm proud of the way they're turning out. I'm getting better at this stuff. Now I need to get better at piano so I can write my piano screamo song... Trust me, it'll work.

Here's a video that might bring a little fun to your day. Do the Sex Offender Shuffle, everybody!

Telly cracks me up. "It was an extortion plot by my wife!" Yea, okay, pervert. And I'm the last son of Krypton.

Before you watch this video, I wanna say something: First, plastic surgery is the worst idea ever. You should only ever have plastic surgery if you're a burn victim or you stepped on a landmine or something. You should NOT have plastic surgery because you want a firmer butt, fewer wrinkles, or a less flabby tummy. That's just called getting old. It happens to the best of us. And nobody wants to look like Joan Rivers when they're a hundred and twelve like she is. Second, models are fucking stupid. I can't stand them. Women look at them like blueprints and they have to fit into said blueprint. Models are morons. Don't believe me? Look where this model's need to be "beautiful" seems to have failed her just a bit.

See my point? It's kind of funny to me, in an incredibly bitter sense.

So here's an awkward situation: you want to donate something to charity for Christmas, so you find an old vase and give it to Goodwill. You feel good about yourself. But later, you're looking for your weed and can't find it. That's when you realize that your $1,500 worth of pot was, ironically, in that pot. Dammit! That actually happened this week in southeast Ohio of all places. You can read about it here.

That's all tonight. See you tomorrow!

~Christian

8 Days and Counting

2009-12-01T23:09:00.000-05:00

My birthday is on the 9th. Everybody should get me something... Like money... or a stripper... or both...

When I got home this evening, my brother was watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Anyone ever notice how the models all look nasty in their own way? Some are waaaaaaay too skinny, and others have like the cheekbones of a chicken. It's ridiculous. Why do girls strive to be like these models when all my brother and I did the whole time watching was pick apart all their flaws?...

Alright, so Jackie showed me this site today that made me piss my pants. It's called People of Walmart. Basically, people follow around the weird-ass mofos that shop at Walmart and take pictures for the rest of us to laugh at. It's great, check it out.

Ever think about changing your name? Well, if you do, be smart about it. I'm tired of hearing of jackasses like Chad Johnson... Oh, excuse me. Chad Ochocinco. Fucker. This woman decided she'd change her name from Dorothy Lola Killingworth (which is kind of a brutal last name) to, no fuckin' shit, Jesus Christ. But I guess she's not living up to the name, because it says here she was excused from jury duty because she was a pain in the ass. But that's just a paraphrasing. I think those people should be forced more so to attend jury duty. She was only being a douche to get out of it...

This is a great video from the guys at How It Should Have Ended. It's their vision for Twilight.

Check out my bazillion ab muscles. Hahaha. Love it.

Alright, that's it for now. But fear not, for there will always be more to enjoy in the limitless world of the interweb.

~Christian

Clifty Falls = Freakin' Sweet

2009-11-29T22:43:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday we drove out to Indiana to a place called Clifty Falls, which is I guess a national park. I wasn't thrilled, but my aunt won't be with us much longer, so I figured I needed to go. It was awesome. We stayed in a really nice hotel in the park. And my whole family stayed up in the common area until almost 1 AM playing Trivial Pursuits and Apples to Apples. It was one of the most fun trips I've ever been on. If you ever have the opportunity, go to Clifty Falls. And sit on the back porch at night, trust me. It's great.

Yesterday's post was cut short because I thought I'd have enough time to type it before we left, but as it turns out, not so much. And tonight I'm kinda tired, so don't expect a lot out of this one either.

Alright, so obviously, there are only so many good new YouTube videos out there before you have to resort to classics. The Muppets are classic.

Ahaha, I love it! Beaker is one of the best Muppets.

Okay, it seems that South Africa is having a lot of trouble with gangs nowadays. But these aren't your run-of-the-mill troublemakers, no. These are much, much worse. Gangs of baboons. No kidding. I guess they get into people's cars and mess with their stuff. It's kind of funny.

Alright, that's it tonight. Sorry. But look on the bright side, I don't have class tomorrow, so I have all afternoon to scour the internet for the best material... or play Fallout 3... hmmm... See ya!

~Christian

Fuck Black Friday

2009-11-28T11:13:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you a story. Yesterday, I decided to go to Best Buy for Black Friday because Mike (my brother) told me they had "Fallout 3: Game of the Year Edition" for $20. My mom gave me twenty bucks (cuz it's going to be my birthday present) and I woke up at 4:00. Mike came too. We got there at 4:45, and there were already about 3-or-400 people in line. We decided to get out of the car (in the cold and drizzling rain) and wait in line. Good thing we did: by the time the store finally opened, there were a good 150 people behind us. We found the game easily, but there was a problem. It was 40 bucks. Fuck. I ran back to my car and drove back home. I caught mom before she had left for work. She gave me another $20. I drove back. I waited in the goddamn line for an hour and a half. I got to the cashier, and he says "Okay, that'll be $60." I almost punched him in the face. I was livid. The only money I had was forty bucks. So I went back home and then at 9, I went to the bank to take out $20 from my savings. They said that I couldn't take out any money without my mother's approval, because I'm technically still a minor for the next two weeks. Fuck. I didn't have my cell. I drove back home. I got my cell, I called my mom, she talked to the teller, I got my money, I drove to Best Buy, picked up the game (which they still had plenty of freaking copies of) and waited in a line for five minutes. I should have waited five hours. I could've saved my self so much trouble. Worst day ever. Fuck Black Friday.

Okay, that was a long-ass rant... Here's a video. Paramore's new single, "Brick by Boring Brick."

Great song.

Now, I have to leave for Indiana. Family trip. Clifty Falls. Adios!

~Christian

Happy Turkey Day!

2009-11-26T22:47:00.000-05:00

Everybody get enough to eat today? I did. It was hardcore. Turkey, mashed potatoes, cheesy veggie casserole, the works. Plus some pecan pie and banana pudding. Anyone going shopping tomorrow? I'm going to Best Buy to pick up the Game-of-the-Year Edition of Fallout 3. It's like 20 bucks. That's a steal compared to the normal $60. So I'm leaving at like 4:30 in the freaking morning to get it. Fun.

This is funny. Billy Crystal and Robert DeNiro work well together.

This video also kind of makes me laugh. Happy Thanksgiving.

Damn cat, always eating the pie...

So, for Thanksgiving, be thankful for another music download! Woo! Today, 10 Years' "Division." This is their latest studio effort and one of their best. The guitar work on this is phenomenal and the atmosphere was perfect. From the slower songs like "So Long, Goodbye" to the harder ones like "Just Can't Win" and "Actions & Motives," it deserves a listen.

And that's all today, gotta get some shut-eye for the shopping tomorrow. God, I sound like such a chick. See ya!

~Christian

3 Sad Cows

2009-11-24T10:49:00.001-05:00

Alright, I didn't update on Sunday or yesterday and I'm sorry, but here's what's going on. First quarter of college is done. And I'm ready for a little break from classes. Thanksgiving is right around the corner (make sure you buy a turkey for that special someone). Also, I just finished watching "12 Angry Men." The old black & white one from '57. It's great, go watch it. But if you're lazy, here's the whole movie in 60 seconds (it's funnier if you've seen it...)

"Who are you?" "I'm Henry Fonda." (walks away) Makes me happy.

Here's another one that's pretty funny.

Haha, that's not "12 Angry Men," that's "3 Sad Cows." A real poignant tearjerker. I love it.

Doesn't seem to be much happening in the news, unless you wanna read about how Paula Deen got smacked in the face with a ham. It's kind of amusing.

Anyway, that'll do, pig. That'll do. Bye.

~Christian

... Where Can I Buy One?

2009-11-21T22:29:00.000-05:00

Alright, maybe I'm not a big fan of technology taking over our lives, but this is the coolest phone ever. I don't understand it, but it's cool.

Told you. The identity tagging is maybe a little on the unsure side (it would revolutionize the stalking industry, though), but other than that, it's cool.

So, the next time you say someone scared you to death, remember that it's actually possible. Larry Whitfield has been sentenced to life in prison for scaring a 79-year-old woman to death by kidnapping her. Yea. It's weird.

This one I heard about this morning on Fox News. A woman lost her long-term sick leave benefits because of her Facebook. She's got pictures of herself on the beach and stuff, but her doctor advised her to take a vacation because she was depressed. So now she's suing.

Okay, here's a video I absolutely love. These are things that are like a one in a million chance.

One of my favorites is at 24 seconds. That's just incredible.

That's it for now. See ya!

~Christian

Just Like That

2009-11-20T22:50:00.000-05:00

So, I'm currently working on a new song (and just finished one). Both are pretty cool. In other news, our kitten died today. Got stuck under a chair. Mom cried. Hard. Call me heartless, but I just went on with what I was doing. But I'm boring you...

I'd like to share with you my latest piece. Let me know what you think.

"Flawed"

My biggest flaws are all that I can see
Like great weights, they're crushing me
My time is spent trying to cover up the hole
I'm not even sure who's in control

Why do I stand just to get knocked down again?
I try to focus but my vision starts to spin

How can I lead myself back home?
I don't feel I've learned anything, I don't think I've grown
The though of losing you makes my skin crawl
You tell me that it's alright, but I still feel flawed

My heart sometimes get lost along its path
And I have to deal with the aftermath
My only hope is I'll be able to deal
But it's not enough, these wounds won't heal

Why do I stand just to get knocked down again?
I try to focus but my vision starts to spin

How can I lead myself back home?
I don't feel I've learned anything, I don't think I've grown
The though of losing you makes my skin crawl
You tell me that it's alright, but I still feel flawed

And it seems like these walls are closing in on me
And I think someone should catch me before I hit the ground
There's nothing I want more than to erase these mistakes
And break through these walls, to no longer feel flawed

How can I lead myself back home?
I don't feel I've learned anything, I don't think I've grown
The though of losing you makes my skin crawl
You tell me that it's alright, but I still feel flawed

Alright, here's an interesting article for you: Scientists are figuring out how to grow meat in labs, without animals. Now this is kind of cool for a couple of reasons: First, this would end animal rights movements (I'm so fucking sick of hearing about how animals are people too...). Plus, now we can use all that land for something else, like (here's a crazy thought) creating low-income housing developments or anything else that helps our standard of living improve... That would be nice. But they say that things could get out of hand, potentially being able to recreate any kind of meat... including human, if they wanted too.

By the way, if you're a doctor, and you have a fat patient, don't tell her she's fat. Cuz you could get your license taken away, like this guy.

I need to find a video for this thing... but apparently there aren't any good ones today... so fuck it. See you tomorrow.

~Christian

What is This World Coming To?

2009-11-18T22:17:00.000-05:00

Foxnews.com is my homepage. So when I opened my internet browser, I saw this headline "Killer Homework?: Cop Says Teen Killed Girl , 9, 'To Know What It Felt Like'." Honestly, that's just fucking sick. You gotta be seriously fucked up in the head to decide to go over to your neighbor's house, strangle their daughter, cut her throat, and stab her. That's... that's just fucking horrible.

Alright, let's change the subject. Here's why you shouldn't A) invite slutty chicks to your wedding, B) serve them alcohol, and C) have a single (rather colorful) pole that holds up your tent...

Yea, we're gonna mark this under "epic fail," lady.

Hey, has anyone heard Puddle of Mudd's new single? It sucks. They're doing such a horrible job these days, I'm surprised they're even receiving radio play. Speaking of garbage, my girlfriend told me to watch Lady GaGa's new video for "Bad Romance." The song blows, but the video's trippy as hell. And in a good way, not like Beyonce's freaking "Video Phone" shit. She was nasty-looking in that video (which is weird as hell for Beyonce...).

Ever sit around your house, just texting on your iPhone and wonder... What would happen if I put this iPhone in my microwave? Well, your question has been answered by these guys...

Yea, so I guess it's not a good idea to microwave an iPhone... Who would've guessed?

That about wraps it up for today. So until next time, here's Ninja Cat. Goodnight, everybody.

~Christian

There's More to Living Than Being Alive

2009-11-17T23:01:00.000-05:00

Okay, this is gonna be a short one, cuz I still need to do dishes and then go to bed.

Here's a little story about why not just anyone can be a ninja. This guy attempted to leap over a fence, but was then impaled on it... He's fine, but you can't recover from stupid...

Okay, we haven't done this in a while: music downloading! Woo! I'm an enabler! Alright, today I have for you Alice in Chains' "MTV Unplugged" disc. It's absolutely fantastic. So many of their songs translate so well to acoustic, and this CD proves it. I can't think of any downside to this album. If you like hangover music, why not wake up drunk with this?

Alright, here's a video. It's actually a commercial from American Express, but I love the music in it. I believe this is the prelude to Bach's Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major. And I love it.

And with that, I bid you adieu. I'll see you again tomorrow.

~Christian

I Might Start Drinking, Actually...

2009-11-16T21:54:00.000-05:00

So tonight was cool. I got to drive solo for the first time. I know what you're thinking: But Christian, you're almost 18. Why can't you drive? I waited a long damn time, that's why. And for a while I had no insurance. But tonight, I got to drive Chelsea home. So it's pretty hardcore.

Anyway, stuff for your viewing pleasure. This is kind of an old video, but it remains funny. And effective at selling its product. Even I considered buying it.

I love the score for this commercial. So much depth and emotion to it...

So a guy walks into a store with $600 (I know this sounds like a set-up to a joke, but this actually happened). He then steals a mechanical pencil and gets arrested for it. Why? Cuz he's a goddamn idiot. That's why.

Okay, so last Saturday, Taylor Swift hosted SNL. And she did this musical monologue that rocks my socks off. It's actually better than most of the junk I've heard by her. Cracks me up, just watch it. By the way, you have to skip to 50 seconds to ignore the subscribe ad. Sorry about the quality.

The part about writing about douche bags who break up with her is my favorite. Oh, Taylor. You amuse me. "Hey Joe, I'm doin' fine."

That's all tonight. Tune in tomorrow for more shit to make you laugh.

~Christian

Post #62

2009-11-15T21:04:00.000-05:00

Happy Sunday. Spent my day playing Mahjong. Best damn game ever... other than Pyramids... or Seven Minutes in Heaven (wink wink). Anyway, I love it, so you should play it too. Play it here.

Here's a great video. I don't know if this is just funny or kind of hot...

My favorite is either the ponytail yank or the tripping.

Short day today. That's it. See ya!

~Christian

It's Like Pulling Teeth

2009-11-14T21:21:00.000-05:00

My goddamn internet, I swear to God... It took me like 20 minutes to load this freakin' page. But anyway, I'm here. That's the important thing. Let's start with the news today, just because I wanna mix it up.

Okay, I really wish this had happened two weeks ago, on Halloween. Three homeless guys in Moscow were arrested. Why? Because the butchered a 25-year-old man, ate part of his body, then sold the rest to a kebab stand... You can't make this shit up, folks. That's one of the oddest stories I've come across...

This one cracks me up: In 1959, a guy checked some books out from his high school library. 50 years later, they were returned. Yea. He sent the books to the school along with a $1,000 money order to pay for the fines. I'm telling you, you can't make this up.

This video makes me piss. Watch it and love it.

I see a #1 single here. Charlie could be HUGE! I can't even tell you how much I love that video.

I also found this video, which I found kind of cool, but only parts of it, cuz other parts are boring. Roomba Pac Man. Yep.

Yea, there's some boring science parts, but still, these guys are freaking playing Pac Man with Roombas! Anyway, the moral of the story is Roombas are cool and Pac Man makes them even cooler.

Alright, that's all for today. See you tomorrow for more videos, news, and, other random shit.

~Christian

Shoe Dragons Are the Best Kind of Dragon

2009-11-13T10:55:00.001-05:00

Everybody knows that. Oh, wait. You don't know what the hell a shoe dragon is? Well, you're stupid, because it's pretty self-explanatory.

Tori Thompson drew that on her shoe. Hence why it's called a "shoe dragon." Pretty hardcore.

Just when you thought anyone could do the Risky Business scene in their underwear (has everyone seen the Band Hero Taylor Swift commercial?) this goes and happens.

God, I wish I could freeze frame and instant replay for you, but I wonder what was going through her mind by the time her body was at a 45 degree angle. Probably something along the lines of "Oh fuckin' shit! I can't believe I let Amber talk me into this shit." God, I could watch that over and over again.

And now, a word from our sponsors: Hey! Are you horny? Run out of cell phone minutes? You can still call 911! Ask the dispatcher for sex! Take it from our satisfied customer, Joshua Basso. Oh wait, he was arrested... Guess you can't ask him...

Only in Texas... Okay, so this woman claimed she had cancer and held a benefit for her chemotherapy. She raised $10,000. What's the problem? She doesn't have cancer. She spent the money on breast implants so she could "save her seven-month marriage." Sigh. Let's break this down, shall we? She's only been married to this guy seven months, and the marriage is apparently falling apart. I don't think her boobs are the problem. Second of all, why does she think that bigger boobs will save her marriage? Maybe the problem is that she's a conniving, scheming bitch. Third of all, aren't there more efficient ways of saving a marriage, that don't require you stealing thousands of dollars from your friends, family, and neighbors? God, people are fucking nuts.

I'd like to leave you with a list of my favorite phobias. Why? Cuz it's my damn blog and I'll do what I want... So anyway, here we go. These are actual, legitimate, textbook phobias.
Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia. The fear of long words. No shit.
Ithyphallophobia. The fear of an erect penis... I won't comment.
Arachibutyrophobia. The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
Barophobia. The fear of gravity. Now, how does that work, are they scared all the damn time?...
Phobophobia. The fear of having a phobia... Alright.
Hellenologophobia. The fear of Greek words, which is funny because phobias are all greek roots.
Pronophobia. The fear of prostitutes. I don't see how anyone could fear them. Maybe they fear contracting diseases from them...

And that's it for today, hope you had fun. See ya next time.

~Christian

Lynch Me If You Like...

2009-11-12T16:24:00.001-05:00

God, I haven't posted in forever... My computer has been screwing up (or so my dad says), so he took it to get fixed. It seems to be working much better, actually. So, let me update you. TSO was incredible. Words cannot describe how amazing it was. On Tuesday, I saw 500 Days of Summer. It was pretty sweet, for a chick flik. Today was a good day, too. I have an A in Stats, I read more of my book, I'm doing well in Japanese, AND I had some pizza with Mountain Dew. Hell yea, good day.

But enough about my boring life. You want some videos and shit, right?

I watched that the other day in Government. No, we don't do any work in that class...

So, this video makes me smile... Cuz I like watching drunk people fall down... And there's an added twist: a subway train!

Aw, almost. Just kidding. People being run over by trains isn't funny. Unless that person is Kanye West. Cuz he's a fool.

By the way, does anyone think that MySpace, Facebook, and YouTube fuck up your computer? Cuz my dad seems to think that they're all crawling with viruses and the second you load the page, your computer is infested with them. I don't know, I've been on YouTube on all kinds of computers and none of them seem to crash... Oh well, fuck it. Here's the news.

A guy is let off on robbery charges thanks to his Facebook. Yep. So, if you're ever charged with a crime, but you swear to God you didn't do it, tell the cops to check your MySpace or Facebook or something. See, they're not just for viruses, they can help you get out of jail!

Haha, it's really pissing my little brother off that I won't get off the damn computer so he can play RuneScape. So, I think this is it for today. I promise to update again tomorrow. Au revoir.

~Christian

Videos of Things I Did Today And Other Fun Minutia

2009-11-07T09:52:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was busy. Wake up, go to school. From school I went directly to Sinclair to see a poetry reading by two poets who were, in my humble opinion, incredibly talented. Jon Sands was one of them. If you've never seen him, check this out. The first one's... pretty dirty... but they're all incredible.

There's so much power to it. It's incredible. The other poet was Adam Falkner. He's a little different from Jon. His poems have a certain je ne sais quoi (perhaps, more bitter-sounding...). Anyway, here's my favorite poem by him. It's called "Passing."

I got to talk to these guys after their reading, too. They're pretty cool. I always like meeting people that write, like when I met the singer for Riverboat Gamblers. It gives me a chance to meet people who do what I enjoy: writing and then performing for people what I've written. And people who write enjoy feedback from their audience, so it's a win/win.

After the reading, I went home and cleaned, then went to band practice (we sound fucking great, guys), then I went skating then went back to Chelsea's and watched Treasure Planet. But I fell asleep. So, now I have no money and I'm a little worn out and my feet hurt. A good night.

Today, however, I will be going to a Trans Siberian Orchestra concert... fo' free. I haven't been to one concert that I paid for. It makes me happy. So, I hope everyone knows who TSO is. I'm sure you'll know this video.

... Awesome. Just incredible. I wonder how long that took him? I mean, you can't just sit down in one afternoon and program 125,000 lights to flash on every note the orchestra plays... What a nerd. But a cool nerd.

Alright, so you know when I posted that story that said that reviewing pot shops was "the best job ever?" Well, I found one better. A police informant was given money, by the police, four times to pay for sex in a massage parlor. And then $180 for his troubles... Best... job... ever. But the cops are in trouble for it because what they did was absolutely ridiculous.

Ever been really late to something with no way to get there, but you really needed to be there? Why not steal a car? That's what this guy did. See, he was really late to his arraignment on auto theft charges. That's right. He stole a car to drive to the courthouse in order to face auto theft charges... There's just... I don't even know how to respond to the ludicrous level of imbecility this man obviously has. God, that was like poetry, you see that? I rock.

That's it for today, I have to leave, like right now. To go to Kyle's to go to TSO! Woo! See ya!

~Christian

Computer Problems

2009-11-05T20:34:00.000-05:00

So, I haven't posted in a few days. Sorry. Both the computers we own have become all sucky and fucky. But this one's all better now (and actually, it seems to be running faster... so win!) But anyway, let's start with a rant.

Rant #34 – This is My Girlfriend. She Lives 600 Miles Away. I Met Her On MySpace

But never in person. But she says she loves me. We’ve been dating for a week. She’s going to drive here when she gets her license… Sigh. I don’t know who I’m more ashamed of: the poor guy, who’s an idiot, or the girl 600 miles away who’s laughing her ass off with her friends. Okay, so first of all, a month into any relationship, let alone a week, the word love should not even come up unless used in a sentence like this: “Oh yea, I love Chinese food!” Second of all, your girlfriend is 600 fucking miles away. And it’s not like you were dating for a while and then she moved. You met her while you’re in Ohio and she’s in Texas or South Carolina or some obscure country in Eastern Europe that has a name you can’t even pronounce. And you know that the girl’s just fucking with them because it’s always a really hot girl and the guy looks like he lost a fight with genetics. This only supports my theory that teenage girls are all “fake people.” Oh, and by the way, she’s not going to drive out to meet you. Ever. She’s going to send you a message saying she doesn’t love you, then say it was her friend, then you’ll get pissed and the two of you will “break up.” But you’ll want her back so you keep sending her messages on MySpace until you finally give up and become depressed for the rest of high school. Good luck with that!

That one was, when I wrote it July, dedicated to this guy who only ever dated people who lived at least 500 miles away. He finally has a girlfriend in the same city going to the same school. Seems much happier. This isn't rocket science, people.

Alright, this video is hard to the fucking core... ish. I think it's kind of cool, anyway.

They glow under blue light. It's awesome. Plus, I think the music is nice to chill to.

So, I live in a semi-rural area. I've driven down some roads and seen deer crossing the road (once with a driving instructor who freaked out and slammed on his brake... freakin' Phil...) Anyway, the moral of the story is that this is ridiculous. A circus elephant crosses the road (sounds like the start to a chicken joke...) and an SUV almost hits it. Good stuff.

Holy shit! I found a leaked scene from Saw VII (yes, they're making a Saw fucking VII, I'm not happy about it, but what can you do?... Oh by the way, it's gonna be in fucking 3-D, how lame is that? Why does Hollywood do this shit to us, man? I mean, first they make six Saw movies, and now they're gonna make one in 3D? What, so the blood jumps at you? Or the chainsaw looks like it's right at your neck... But I digress). Anyway, this is totally an actual scene from the upcoming seventh installment of the most overdone franchise since The Land Before Time, and not a video made by someone in their mom's basement. Enjoy.

Haha, yea, that was totally done in his mom's basement...

Okay, I guess that's it for today. I wanted to put up a download, but "it puts viruses on the computer." I guess so could blogging, but I have a policy about that: Fuck it. Good night!

~Christian

Needs More Cowbell

2009-11-02T11:10:00.000-05:00

I saw this video this morning on Fox News. Christopher Walken reading Lady GaGa's "Pokerface."

Oh oh ooh ah oh ee oh... Freakin' epic.

We started playing the virtual stock market today in Government... I should never do it with real money, cuz I'm down right now.

You know, sometimes, it's difficult to find videos that aren't made by douchebags... So I think that's it for videos today. But here's some news. a Woman called 911 to report herself being drunk and driving. Claims she "didn't want to hurt anybody." Smart drunk. If only more people got smart when they're stupid...

I was going to put up a rant, but my computer is a piece of shit. So instead, I'm cutting this one short. That's all for today. Tomorrow I'll definately have a rant and a download.

~Christian

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Halloween

2009-10-31T12:32:00.000-04:00

Happy Halloween '09, faithful readers... All two of you... Today, I'll throw up the same shit I usually do, but it'll be somehow related to Halloween... Let's see how long that lasts...

This is kind of long (that's what she said) but it's funny. They dressed up a dummy and took him trick or treating. Good stuff.

That would freak me out, too, probably.

So last night on Attack of the Show, they featured a series of short animations called "Slasher School." This is similar to the live action "Slasher School" they did last Halloween. This is part 2. It's pretty funny stuff.

Best Halloween video ever: Drunken Ewoks on The Today Show. alright, not the best, but it's good stuff. Why were they on The Today Show? Honestly, I don't know where they came from.

That's it. No news today. Happy Halloween!

This Just In: You, Too, Can Look Like a Jackass

2009-10-30T20:33:00.000-04:00

So, you remember ar the end of August when I put up the video for the shake-weight? It's back, and this time, men can look like douchebags too!

I don't know who all's heard, but Toy Story is back. I'm not just talking about the double feature some theaters are showing, they're making a third one.

I haven't decided if this is a good thing or not... I mean, I understand introducing this generation to it (cuz let's be honest, I grew up with those movies), but on the other hand, I grew up with those movies. They better not fuck 'em up!

So, I've said for a while that people are stupid. Here's another good example. The University of Notre Dame is full of morons. First of all, they can't pronounce Notre Dame. But that's not important. I guess there was some fancy party at the University and the caterer was mistakenly tipped $29,000. According to the article, she said she tried alerting the University several times, but they never returned her calls. So, does the University simple say, "God, you know what, my bad. Thanks for telling us."? No. Instead, they do what any civilized person would do: sue. Now, we can't blame just the university. It's obvious that they didn't mean to pay her so much, but she bought a Volkswagon Jetta with it... Yea, how many times did you call, lady?...

All right, I'm good for now. See ya tomorrow.

~Christian

There's Some Weird-Ass Shit Out There

2009-10-29T10:46:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I went to my class at Sinclair. I don't drive, because my dad doesn't want me struggling to pay for insurance with no job (damn economy), so my dad dropped me off. My sister would be by later to pick me up. My last words before getting out of the car were, "I wish I'd remember to bring a cell phone to class." But I didn't. So I walk over to my building and up to the 3rd floor. People usually wait outside the classroom till class actually starts, but if there's no one in the room, it's okay to go in. So I'm the only in the room. I check my school email. Class in canceled. And my professor sent the email out just earlier that morning. Fuck. I'm stranded with no phone. So I have to bum one off of someone. That's difficult in downtown Dayton, because everyone thinks you're gonna jack it. Finally, I find a guy who's either really nice or too lazy to care. Thanks, dude! He'll probably never see this, though...

So enough boring-ness (I hate being one of those "Tell-you-every-boring-detail-about-my-day" people, but I like that story). Here's a weird video. I mostly only like it because of the music and videography.

From what I've heard, there's never been any actual proof that anyone's been killed by a falling coconut. But it seems possible.

Ever seen a video that you weren't really sure if you like or not. It's just kind of... you know? Here's a little kid doing a Batman impression.

Have you ever followed a higher calling? One that's probably told you to help a neighbor, or donate to the poor... or steal a Dodge Charger. This 36-year-old guy (who told police his name was "Seven") smashed a window at a car dealership in Kentucky and stole a Charger, cuz God wanted him to. Security stopped him before he could even get into the showroom. Moron.

By the way, the U.N. is texting food to Iraqi refugees now. Yep, just when you think the world couldn't get any more reliant on technology. It's a good idea though. They're sending vouchers by text so refugees can go to markets and get food that can't be sent in an aid basket (stuff like cheese, for example). So it sounds weird as hell, but it's a good idea.

And that's it for today. Check back tomorrow, I'll try to get back into the "every day" routine... Yea, that'll happen. No, it will, trust me...

~Christian

No Title Today

2009-10-27T22:39:00.000-04:00

A few years ago, we all heard about Tay Zonday and his "Chocolate Rain." He was all over YouTube. Let's not let his star status wane.

Yea, it's exactly what you think it's about. You can download that track by right clicking this link and clicking "save," by the way.

Have you ever asked yourself "Is this a good day for pie?" This video holds the answer.

Now, if the creators of Family Guy actually animated this segment (as in, they didn't call in another team of animators), you really must give them a hell of a lot of credit for being so flexible in their art style. It doesn't feel forced at all.

So, I've read some interesting court case stories, but I don't think any of them have ever involved shit-slinging. And I mean literal shit-slinging. Yes, that's right. A man threw a bag of his own excrement at the jury during his home-invasion trial... What the fuck would possess someone to throw poo at someone... Especially at the people who decide whether or not you get twenty years in prison. Honestly, dude, what was going through your head?...

Okay, now here's a story with a little grey area. A guy received over $470,000 from a company he never worked for. On the one hand, he was techincally stealing money. On the other, it's free money! He's looking at about six years, as well making up for all he received. So the plasma TV, jacuzzi, wet bar, H3, and new set of clubs to go with the admission into the Country Club are all gonna have to go back. Sorry pal. C'est la vie.

I'll leave you with this. It's a reminder of why people (especially dumb ones) should never be trusted with simple tasks like driving.

What really cracks me up is how they just drive away slowly like "I don't really need to be here, it's not that important. I'll come back tomorrow..."

~Christian

Football is for the Birds

2009-10-25T16:47:00.001-04:00

So, about a week ago, during an Oakland/Phillie game, a pigeon joined the Raiders.

The refs should've called that foul: that's an obvious 12 man penalty... The Raiders offered him a contract for $20 million in bird seed, but it looks like he's going to turn it down to pursue his interest in sculptures...

So... here's why you shouldn't do drugs. You may falsely accuse people of being zombies... Yea, it doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense to me either...

Here's a video of a guy buying condoms.

I don't understand why guys are so paranoid buying condoms... It's like proof that you're about to get laid. College Humor also has a "Girl Buying Condoms" video, but I don't think it's as good...

We shall close with a download. This probably isn't a band you've ever heard of, but I really dig them. They're called Automatic Loveletter, and they are similar to bands like Paramore and Hey Monday. Listen to this: it's their "Recovery EP." It's pretty sweet. I especially dig "Make-Up Smeared Eyes." It's an acoustic masterpiece. Her voice is very... unique, too. It's got that same pop punk sound, but it's... I don't know, not as clean cut as say, Hayley Williams' voice. Anyway, download and enjoy.

~Christian

Keanu Reeves Receives Oscar

2009-10-24T17:23:00.000-04:00

Ha, no he doesn't. But I found this video about him that's oddly compelling.

Oh, YouTube.

Oh, so remember that guy who got a DWI in his recliner? The police are auctioning it off, if you're in the market for a motorized La-Z-Boy...

Okay, so Australians obviously know how to sell shit. This commercial is an example.

You know, you probably thought I meant using hot women to sell the product. While that is probably the most effective way, chucking shit at 50 mph is still a good choice.

So, I think that most people enjoy being naked. It's more comfortable than wearing clothes. And that's this guy's philosophy, only he got arrested for it. Now, I know what you're saying, "Indecent exposure is a crime. People shouldn't walk around town naked." Well, this guy wasn't walking around town, just his own kitchen. And two people who cut through his yard (which is trespassing, I might add) saw is junk through the window.

That's just ridiculous. What the hell is this world coming to when a man can't walk around his own house in the nude? It's just fucking sad...

Before I go, I'd just like to mention an update about the band: We're back on the track we were earlier... Which means Zane is back in (just scheduling conflicts, I suppose) and we started a beautiful new song called "I Know It Hurts," which Dakota later pointed out to me sounds "really sexual." And he's fucking right... Dammit... But I don't care. The song rocks (and my voice doesn't sound like a dying hippo). That's it for now. Tune in next time for more exciting excitement, mysterious mystery, and funny fun... That was stupid...

~Christian

Some Things Are Just Cooler Than Others

2009-10-22T16:40:00.000-04:00

Alright, best Halloween costume ever. And also one of the coolest things I've seen since I watched that penguin receiving knighthood.

That's freakin' sweet.

Alright, so I've posted shit about people getting DWIs before, but this... well, this is just ridiculous. It's awesome that he was driving his La-Z-Boy... He's just a goddamn idiot.

Okay, so which is worse: being in prison, or being home with your wife? Apparently for this guy, prison is way cooler. Because he wants transferred back to prison from house arrest. Something about "you get three square meals a day" and how the "wardens don't steal your credit cards and rack up a huge fucking bill."

So, Saw VI comes out tomorrow. Will I see it? No. Not till it's on DVD.I wanted to find a decent Saw parody, but this was the best I could do.

It's a great Jigsaw impression, really. A lot of people sound like shit when they do it, but he did pretty well.

Anyway, that's it. Till tomorrow... Oh, fuck wait. Zane quit the band today (Yes, I'm aware he's reading this). So that sucks. But we'll figure something out. Hell, I'll learn how to play the guitar if I have to. Anyway, bye.

~Christian

I'm On a Boat! Or Wait, I'm in a Box... Fuck It...

2009-10-21T20:57:00.000-04:00

I'm in a box!

Yea, that's some hardcore gangsta shit for yo hizzle. That means "house" in rapper.

So, are you a pothead? Do you need a fucking job? Well, look no further than Denver Colorado's "Westwood" newspaper. They're looking for reviewers... of the state's pot shops. No shit. I hear it's pretty good pay, too.

Okay, so here's a video that's well... I think it explains itself nicely...

I know what you're thinking... Yes, that was "Bohemian Rhapsody" played with armpit farts.

I'll close today with something a little different: Pearls Before Swine! Did you know that if you go to comics.com, you can access all kinds of different newspaper comics? No shit. It's freakin' sweet!

Wow, the uh, the quality kind of blows on this... Click it, you can view it in a new page... It's all good.

~Christian

What Happens When You Find You Cat in Bed With Some Tramp

2009-10-19T17:51:00.000-04:00

Ahahahaha! I love finding shit like this!

Love it, love it, love it.

Okay, so here's a video from a guy who calls himself "The Amazing Athiest."

It made me laugh. I'm not all "kill small animals" or anything, but he approached this topic perfectly. Anything can be made funny.

News that makes you go "WTF?" A little kid (like a toddler) fell 30 feet onto rocks. And is fine. Freakin' supertoddler... In other news, people are morons. Disagree? Read this and you won't. She picked up her friend (who was charged with a DWI) from the police station... While she was sloppy-fucking-drunk. Twice the legal limit. Moron.

Remember when I wrote about the guy who shot a cannon through his neighbor's window? He's being brought up on felony charges. This is why old people should be forced to stay in the house, away from dangerous things like cannons.

That's it for now, sorry I didn't put shit up over the weekend, but hopefully you got some fun out of this post. Later!

~Christian

Rockin' It Old School

2009-10-16T17:42:00.001-04:00

So, for the past few days, I've been without an MP3 Player (due to a faulty chip which has rendered it completely inoperable). So, I've been sporting a 1998 walkman. No shit. Cassette tapes and all. Here's the links to download the cassettes I've been jammin': First, there's U2's 1991 album "Achtung Baby," which one of my teachers let me borrow. I really dig a couple of the songs on this album (notably "One," "Ultra Violet (Light My Way)," and "Tryin' to Throw Your Arms Around the World"). It's maybe not U2's greatest release, but it's still U2, and therefore awesome. The other tape I've been listening to is Cheap Trick's "Live at the Budokan," which I wasn't able to find a link to. So instead, here's a link to the album with the only song anyone knows by them anyway ("I Want You to Want Me") on "In Color." The live tape is pretty good, so if you ever get your hands on it, it's worth a listen.

So, when I'm on the YouTube homepage looking for cool videos to post here, a few things stick out. First, if a video's title is in all caps, like the one I'm about to show you. Also, it helps to have a few key words that draw my eye...

Honestly, I know what you're all thinking, but I'm actually more interested in the upper body strength of most of those girls. It's incredible. Particularly Jenyne Butterfly. Hardcore.

So I'm on msnbc.com, and I see a news story that says 22-inch man (guess what my initial thought was). Then there's a caption that says "I'm the world's shortest."I'm like "not at 22-inches you're not! That's world's longest, sir." But then I find out it's talking about his height. Holy shit. So, read this story.

That's all for today. I'm gonna get back on track with posting every day, hopefully. Chelsea's gone all weekend, so I won't be distracted (wink wink, nudge nudge).

~Christian

I'm Freakin' Sick

2009-10-15T20:21:00.000-04:00

Yea. I hate being sick. And I was gonna try to tough it out, but I'm freakin' sick. So I slept all day. So forgive me if my post today isn't great. But I'm freakin' sick.

So, if you you grew up in my generation, you read "Where the Wild Things Are" at some point. And now they're making a movie. Hardcore.

Oh, yea. I'm seeing it.

Listen to this. Cuz it's pretty.

I less than 3 Hurt...

I'm sure everyone's already heard this (it's been all over the news today) but there was a big search out today for this 6-year-old boy that was thought to be inside a hot air balloon which was floating all over Colorado. But it's all good, he was inside a box in his attic the whole time... What a waste of taxpayers' money, police running all over creation looking for a kid that's actually in his own house. You'd think they would've checked the house first...

I'm done. Peace to all. Unless you're a moron, in which case I hate you...

~Christian

Are Commercials Getting Too Commercial?

2009-10-13T21:29:00.000-04:00

Alright, this is a commercial I've been seeing lately, and it cracks me up every time.

I'm telling you, cracks me up.

Alright, so here's a curveball. A guy walks into his house, notices the lock has been forced, and then starts hearing voices. He calls the police, who find a man sleeping in a closet with a dead guy... That's just... I don't know what that is. I guess they were both doing drugs and the one guy OD'd... don't really know, too much has yet to be released. But I might follow up on this one.

Two boys fight off enraged deer with a stick... No shit. It starts beating the shit out of this little 7-year-old, then another kid comes along and hits it with a stick, at which point, the deer was like "Fuck, they've got sticks! No one told me they'd have sticks! All I've got are these razor sharp fucking antlers..."

Okay, one more story for today, just because I think it's hysterical. A guy in Germany got kicked off a train for not having a ticket. So he goes "Fine, I'll just moon all of you." At which point, his pants got caught on a door, and he was dragged along for 200 meters before someone pulled the emergency brake, thinking to themselves "Gee, I don't think he's supposed to be dangling there like that." He wasn't hurt, but I wondered if he got in more trouble for traveling those extra 200 meters without a ticket...

A video, and then I take my leave. Messin' With Sasquatch is pretty much a commercial icon.

~Christian

Homecoming

2009-10-11T18:28:00.000-04:00

Yea, homecoming was yesterday. And I was determined to get my fucking money's worth. And it wore me the hell out. I made dinner for Chels, then we danced and later we crashed (literally) at her house. We were out like a light, and slept for like an hour and a half. Fun times.

But enough of my boringness. Videos.

Suit yourself, Shep. But I think it looks really good.

So, here's a reason why you shouldn't have a trashy house/apartment/condo/box under a freeway. A woman died and they can't find her because she's buried somewhere beneath 8 feet deep garbage in her home... That's just fucking gross.

On a somewhat unrelated note: a dead deer in a clown suit was left on the porch of an Iowa family. Ironically, the deer's last words were "I wouldn't be caught dead in the circus..." Funny how things work out.

Okay, so I was showing Chels some of the post in the archives, and I found out some of the videos and news shit don't work anymore. Which is shit. Cuz there were some good ones... But, I guess it doesn't matter too much. Anyway, I think that's it for today. Cuz I can't find anymore good videos (damn YouTube...) I thought I found one of a dog crashing a car, but it turns out it's just some guy talking about a dog crashing a car... Anyway, peace.

~Christian

Why All Guys Like Halloween

2009-10-09T15:30:00.000-04:00

This pretty much sums it all up.

Sexy Lobster, Sexy Jesus... It's all good.

So, we all know how YouTube is king when it comes to finding incredibly odd videos at random, right? Okay, just so we're all on the same page...

It made me laugh. A little.

That's it. See you tomorrow.

~Christian

Advice Dog Saved My Life

2009-10-08T11:03:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I lived so long without his wisdom...

Yea, I know it's awesome. YouTube is wonderful, isn't it?

More advice, you say? Look no further than the Philosoraptor...

This is a video by the creator of Philosoraptor that's also pretty good: The Socially Awkward Penguin.

And I'm pretty sure most of these things I've done... I don't think I've stared at my grandmother's tits though...

So, this is one of the luckiest things I've ever seen: A guy is in the middle of an embezzlement case, and he wins the lottery. He'll still see jail time.

Okat, something to download. Shinedown is arguably one of the best bands of today, and it was hard to narrow it down to one album, but "Us and Them" has some of their best work to date on it. The bottom half of the album is especialy good, with songs like "Shed Some Light," "Some Day," and "Fake." Brent Smith's voice is one of the best around, and I guara-fucking-tee you'll love this album, or your money back... Since you didn't pay, I'm able to make that statement without fear. Haha.

Anyway, that's it. It was a long one today. Mata!

~Chrisitan

If You Read This, You Will Die in Seven Days

2009-10-07T21:35:00.000-04:00

Okay, you won't actually die in seven days if you read this. As long as you copy this and post it in ten more posts, then at midnight, your true love will kiss you... Fuck chain messaging.

So, stuff. How's about Potter Puppet Pals?

Oh, pipe bomb. You always know how to make an explosive entrance...

Here's one with over 3 million views!

I love the imagery and symbolism in this one. I think it really captures the essence of society as a whole...

So, um... if anyone has seen a lung... the traveling exhibit of human cadavers wants it back... yea, someone stole a fucking lung. That's never happened before. And what the fuck are they using it for? "Well, Jimmy, we couldn't afford the iron lung, so we stole this real one..." And here's an examploe of people who shouldn't be parents: a woman let her 13-year-old daughter ride on top of her van in a carboard box. "Okay, Amber, remember to hold on real tight when we go into the turns..." Morons. But don't worry, the box was secured on with fucking coat hangers...

Okay, somebody has to remember this song. It's like ten years old, but it was one of the most popular songs of the year.

Great song. Escape the Fate covered this, actually. It's pretty good.

That's it! Aloha!

~Christian

No, I Don't Want to Take a Short Political Survey

2009-10-06T21:54:00.000-04:00

We watched this video in Government the other day. It's from SNL.

I love it.

Here's a video my brother showed me: How to Play Guitar... Well Enough to Get You Laid

I just watched this 45-minute long movie called "The Call of Cthulhu." It was made in 2005, but it's in the style of a 1920s silent movie. It was... alright. Kyle couldn't stay awake when he watched it. But he was right: Cthulhu needed more face time. I read a review on imdb.com that said Lovecraft doesn't translate well to video. I need to read the book, then. Right after I read Dante's Inferno, which is first on the list right now.

Alright, download this album: Pearl Jam's debut release, "Ten," is freaking great. Virtually every track is a work of art. This album has a ton of atmosphere to it, which I especially love. It surrounds you, man. Too bad Pearl Jam doesn't really sound like this anymore. Join the "Get Eddie Vedder Back on Heroin Campaign," so they'll sound like themselves again... Anyway, great CD.

That's it. Tune in again tomorrow. Peace.

~Christian